Bringing new life into a broken world

I anticipated that some part of the birthing/newborn process was going to be emotionally hard for me, I just didn't know when it would hit. The last time I had a baby, my father was still alive. The last time I talked to him was on the phone at the hospital. The moment I woke up from my first night being at home with my newborn, everything changed. 

This is where I am now. The first night home with my newborn. And this is where I am facing grief head on. This is a whole new "first" for me. The first time I have brought life into world where my father doesn't exist. And I hate it. 

I hate living in a world where he doesn't exist. 

I tried to think of a different word to use besides hate, but I believe it's appropriate. Death is something to be hated. Brokenness is something to be hated. And I am more aware of that brokenness when I hold my newborn daughter and mourn the absence of my father in her life. 

It's all very surreal and weird. Even after three years, it's still hard to believe he's not here. In my mind, memories and dreams, he's very much alive and active. Because I knew him so well, I can picture exactly what he would do, what he would say, and how he would interact with our kids. I can see him now with my son, giving him music lessons or sitting at a table intricately building Legos together. I can see him with with my daughter (I guess I'm gonna have to start specifying which one) sneakily eating some kind of treat because she would have him wrapped around her finger. I see him with my nephew, laying on the floor playing with his trains. I see him with my niece, holding her and making embarrassingly goofy faces just to make her laugh. Because I can imagine these things, it makes the loss that more difficult. He would have been the best grandfather.  

It sucks and I hate it. I wish I could just sit here and stare at by daughters beauty without all these thoughts in the front of my mind. Without anticipating the next terrible thing to happen. I am so acutely aware of how fragile life is and how quickly everything can change, that I feel like I'm just waiting for the next bad news to happen. This is not where I want to be.  I want to be hopeful for the future and have joyful anticipation of what's to come instead of fear. 

My prayers these days seem to echo the words of my favorite Christmas hymns

"Come thou long expected Jesus

Born to set thy people free

From our fears and sins release us

Let us find our rest in thee."

"O come thou dayspring come and cheer

Our spirits by thine advent here

Disperse the gloomy clouds of night

And death's dark shadows put to flight"

Praying for a more hope-filled tomorrow. 

*DISCLAIMER: I am sleep deprived so if anything doesn't make sense, I apologize, just go with it. 

Good, but not Great

I was thinking today about how awkward it is when people ask how things are going or how we are doing. "Good", "Okay", or "Alright" are my normal go-tos and that changes hour by hour. But I wondered if I would ever again answer that things are "Great".

Life after loss is like a dark cloud over your head. It's like my new neutral state is sad. And it's not that there isn't any happiness left in life. There will be moments of joy; when I laugh, smile, enjoy a movie, spend the day at the beach, go on a date, play with my kids, etc. But when the dust settles, it's back to sadness.

I'm not saying that this is a good thing, it's just how it is right now. When things stop moving, the loss is what my mind goes to. Even moments of happiness are quickly dimmed when I think about my father not being there to share in the moment. I wonder if it will always feel this way. If I will always feel this overarching gloom about life.


Oh, that I would find joy in the hope of my salvation and not in my circumstances.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year?

It sure doesn't seem like the most wonderful time of the year. With recent tragedies in our country I am reminded that for many people this is the most depressing time of the year. A time filled with grief, loss, heartbreak, and pain. And all around us we are bombarded with what we don't have.

I came face to face with this last year dealing with my father's death in the midst of the holidays. I couldn't stomach much Holiday music because I felt like they were all lies. It wasn't the Most Wonderful Time of the Year. I wasn't having a Holly Jolly Christmas. My days weren't Merry and Bright. And social media didn't help. Seeing people's awesome family vacations, family pictures, shopping adventures, and Holiday parties was all too much. Life was terrible, thanks for reminding me.

I say the word Holiday instead of Christmas because it was the superficial aspect of the Holidays that made me depressed, not Christ. When Christmas was about Christ and his coming to redeem what what broken, then I was hopeful.  I remember being in church during one of the Advent Sundays, pacing back and forth with Felicity in her Ergo carrier, and having tears well up in my eyes because Christmas had become real to me. Hope was birthed in me because I had tasted the bitterness of death. Christmas wasn't about being merry and bright because we're baking cookies, playing in the snow, and singing silly songs. Christmas is about hope. And with that hope in mind, I can enjoy the time spent family and friends eating good food, giving gifts, singing carols, and celebrating what Christmas means.

"A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices"

This was certainly true in my case. Never have I been more thankful that Christ had come to our world, born a baby, died on the cross, to conquer sin and death, and restore all that is lost.

"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.'"
Revelation 21:3-5

The Time has Come

November 5th has come and gone. The week leading up to it I was an emotional mess, crying all the time but also celebrating my daughter's first birthday. I was completely exhausted in every way. I didn't really have time to prepare myself for what I would be feeling. However, it was comforting just to be around my family. My brother and his family drove through the night on Saturday just so we all could be together. We haven't really grieved together as a family since it happened so it was necessary for our souls. 

Sunday night, some friends of my parents that live here in South Florida put together a worship night in my father's honor. It was a night to remember, grieve , heal and remind ourselves of the gospel.  The interesting thing is that it wasn't necessarily for my family. They would have done this even if we were unable to come. They missed him and wanted to come together to worship as he had taught them. That is very special. The people here have only known my father for 3 years but the stories they told and the way they spoke of him made it seem like they had known him for years. Together they made a scrap book full of stories and pictures of my dad and we are grateful. We thought he was a great man; it nice to know that others thought the same. 

 

This tragic day is bookended by two special days. Felicity's birthday on Nov. 2 and my nephew Augustin's birthday on Nov. 12. Since we were all together we did a little celebration with them and introduced them to their first Carvel ice cream cake (a Richardson staple). Right now, their birth is a painful reminder of my father's absence. I pray and hope that as the years pass my heart would be thankful for this timing and see it as an act of God's grace. We are so thankful for our cute crazy kids and wish that my father were here to enjoy them with us.

The little gang

... and August just destroyed it

Felicity was very careful

 

 

 

 At the end of the day, we met some of my mom's friends at the beach to send off paper lanterns in memory of my father. As I looked at the group gathered on the beach, I realized that I year ago I didn't know who most of them were. But as the year went on, these would be the people that have cared for my mom here in South Florida (and many others who are not local). They have welcomed her into their families and have truly loved her in a way that would honor my father. I was comforted to know that not only did these people love my father, they deeply loved my mom and were committed to her. 

 We have survived the first year. Now we choose to walk in faith trusting that God's plans are good and he still has a purpose for us.

Preparing for the Last "First"

It's hard to put into words the things that have been going around in my head as we near the one year mark of my father's passing. Everyday I think of what I was doing last year at this time and how different I thought our life was going to be. I thought we would be living in Salerno with our best friends, learning Italian, making friends with the locals, and gearing up for our parents to visit us. But that is not how the story went. 

All my mental energy has been focused on Halloween costumes and getting ready for Felicity's first birthday. Which has been both good and bad. I have had something to look forward to, but haven't made the time to grieve. I feel like it just snuck up on me and all of a sudden it's here. After Felicity's birthday there is only one more "first" to walk through. The end of the first year without my dad. This makes it so real to me. That THIS is going to be the new normal. It's so heartbreaking for life to go on without him and that soon it will be normal for him not to be here. I don't even want to know what that feels like. 

What I recently learned is this: God used the birth of my daughter to prepare me for what was to come. My labor with Felicity was long and the most physical pain I have ever felt. It literally felt like torture. My body was torturing me and there was nothing I could do about it. A couple days before the birth, I wrote in my journal that I was stressed about our finances and didn't think that I was going to be able to do this birth because I had reached the end of my rope. I felt defeated. But when the time came, God gave me the strength and the support from others to endure the pain and in the end a beautiful girl was born. I learned then that great pain can lead to great joy. Little did I know that the real test of my faith was going to be three days later. By His strength and the support of others, I have been able to walk through this pain and see that in the end, it will be beautiful. It's not now, but one day it will be.

Felicity was God's gracious reminder that pain can lead to joy. The pain of my father's death was, and is, still great, but because of God's grace, I can now joyfully and eagerly anticipate the redemption of all that is broken, and eternity spent with Him. 

The Darkest of Seasons

On Sunday we received terrible news that our friends precious nine month old daughter suddenly passed away. As I write this, my heart is overcome with grief for them. I think once you experience grief, it's very easy to go back to that place. A place of great sorrow where your heart is literally aching and it is hard to find joy in anything. (Before I continue, I want to make it perfectly clear that I am not taking their loss and making it about me. What they are experiencing is devastating, it just brings back all these emotions I had when my father passed and that I am still working through). Now I am flooded with feelings from their loss, the loss of my father, and every other loss in between. It seems like everywhere I turn there is tragedy. This has been a dark season of life, not just for me, but for those around me as well.

I don't understand why this is. Why is it just one terrible thing after another? And not just any terrible thing, but the worst thing, death. In Ecclesiastes 3 it says that there is a season for everything, "a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance." This season of weeping and mourning has lasted way too long. When can we laugh and dance again without the pain of great loss looming over us? I don't think we fully can outside of heaven. I'm sure over time the pain lessons, but the sorrow is still there. 

Six Months Lost at Sea (Part 2)

Two days ago I described what life was like before my father passed, now I will fill you in on what it has been like since.

AFTER

We found ourselves completely lost at sea, struggling to stay above water. It seemed like every time we came up for air, there was another wave beating us down. We were physically worn out from Felicity's labor and the sleep deprivation that comes with caring for a newborn. There was no energy left for us to deal with what happened, but we had to. We needed to be with my mom, my brothers, make arrangements, and somehow care for our newborn girl. We were exhausted on all levels.

And this is how we lived for two months. We dropped our lives and just tried to hang on. We would spend a couple days at my moms and then a couple days back home. Back and forth, every week. I don't think we cooked a single meal, cleaned our apartment, or did any work. We were hanging on and  waiting for help to come. And it did come in small forms. Friends from church brought us food, watched our babies, Dylan's mom came to help out and we even had some friends give financial gifts so we could pay our bills. We were (and are) completely grateful for all those things, but the big rescue we were hoping for didn't come. We found ourselves still broke, sleep deprived, and feeling stuck. A few big opportunities for support fell through and left us in a really tough spot. After the new year our finances hit a critical low and we were faced with the decision if we were going to pay rent or our health insurance (never mind all the past medical bills from Felicity's birth). So rent it was.

Then God through us a life line. We found out that my dad had some insurance policy put in my name when Liam was born, but didn't tell anyone (just like him to do). This money covered the debt we had accumulated over the past couple of months and would help us to cover our future needs. It was very conflicting in our hearts to be excited to have money again when we knew what had to happen in order for us to get it. I remember weeping as I signed the check to deposit it to the bank thinking Why did this have to be the way you provide for us? Shortly after we decided that a good use of this money would be to take a trip to Salerno to 1. remind ourselves of the mission we are working towards and 2. spend time with dear friends who would be like aloe to our wounds (that sounds a little weirder that I hoped).

So last week we were in Salerno, without kids. We laughed, cried, stuffed our faces, slept (woohoo), and talked through life with some of our closest friends. It was exactly what we need. An escape from the craziness to focus on what was going on inside our hearts. And we realized is that we need help. We've been treading water for so long and what we need is a rescue chopper to come pull us out of the water so we can recover. We need God to do miracles in our hearts to believe him for good things again. My faith has been broken down to the basics and that's what I have been clinging to but I need God to give me the faith to believe in his character.

For the first time in a long time, I would say that I'm hopeful. Like Job, I am learning to say "Though he slay me, I will hope in him."

Six Months Lost at Sea (Part 1)

This is what life has felt like.

Six months ago, the unexpected happened. Our already shaky, unstable boat of life capsized with the unexpected passing of my father. And since then it has felt like we have been hanging on floating debris adrift at sea. (I'm sure this analogy is gonna break down somewhere, but just go with it).

BEFORE

What do I mean when I say our life was already shaky and unstable? Let me try to summarize what the last couple years of our lives have been.

Year 1 (of Marriage): Awesome. We were newlyweds, raising support to work in full-time ministry. We lived on Treasure Island, which was close to both of our families, and spent a lot of time together. Building our boat.

Year 2: We finally got to Miami and it was not at all what we expected. There was tension within our team, we felt overwhelmed with the workload, and we actually wanted to leave at the end of the year. But God told us to stay, so we did.
Set out to sea and tried to stay afloat.

Year 3: We got plugged into an amazing church and started to see little victories within our ministry. Meanwhile, our financial support started to drop, we were losing money and supporters left and right,  and we were receiving short paychecks. We had to take time off campus to focus on support. The year ended with us leading a short term missions trip with college students to Italy over the summer. When we came back from the trip we found out we were pregnant. 
Navigating through the rough waters.

Year 4: Things changed in our ministry and we found ourselves being the team leaders of a campus. It was a nice thought, but the reality was that we were ill-equipped for this role. Our support continued to sink even lower, sometimes not getting any paychecks at all. As we were awaiting our arrival of our son, we started reconsidering if this is where God wanted us. Dylan pursued other possible jobs, but in the end they all fell through and we found ourselves having to leave the ministry and our church in Miami. Our son was born (with colic) in the midst of all this uncertainty. Dylan and I were exhausted with our life.
Rocky waters started to steer us off course.

Year 5: We moved to Orlando with Cru to spend a year healing and considering other possibilities within the ministry. Really the main motivation was that our rent was free, so that was one expense we didn't have to come up with. Our time in Orlando was sweet. We were reunited with most of our friends from college and we felt truly cared for by the leaders in Cru. Half-way through the year we were thinking that we were going to leave full-time ministry, get normal jobs, and move back to Miami. After doing some self-assessment tests, we began to doubt whether that was the direction we wanted to go and began praying about other options. That lead us to joining our friends in planting Salerno City Church. Believe me, that wasn't the easy option. We knew that it was going to require so much from us: get our current supporters to catch the vision and make the switch with us, raise the support we had lost over the years, figure out where to live in the mean time, break the news to our families, and (as we found out in the process) get ready for the birth of our daughter that was due in November. After our time in Orlando with Cru ended, we moved into Dylan's parents house for the summer so we could cut out some expenses while we raised support there.
The (somewhat) calm before the storm. 

First Half of Year 6: I just started my third trimester. Our plan was to move back to Miami so I could give birth with the same doctors, Dylan could be mentored by our pastor, we could be close to my family, and so we could raise support. The move date kept being pushed back because we didn't have the money to commit, and my nesting instincts were really kicking in because I didn't have a home for my soon-to-be born baby girl. Five weeks from my due date, we scrounged enough money to make the move. Two days before we moved my father slipped and fell and tore his hamstring. This required surgery and he was pretty much confined to his recliner for the next couple of weeks. So, that meant that every Saturday we went up to spend time with them but once we were a week out from the due date we stayed close to home cause we didn't want to risk getting caught in Miami traffic. Our financial situation was in crisis and there was no way that we were going to meet all of our needs. 5 days away from giving birth I lost it. We were broke, about to have another baby, in the middle of a huge career transition and I saw no way out. Then a couple days later, after 40 hours of labor, Felicity decided to join us. We were not home from the hospital all but 16 hours when my father passed six months ago today.
Storm came. Boat capsized. 


...and that was only the "Before"

The Sweetness of the Resurrection

This past week has had me thinking a lot about my dad. As a music pastor, Easter was always a big day for him. There were musicals, plays, concerts, outreaches, baptisms, and multiple services. Amidst the ping of sadness of celebrating this first Easter without him, God (in his graciousness) has revealed the joy that I can find in this day.

^"16For if the dead are not raised, not even Christ has been raised; ¹⁷and if Christ has not been raised your faith is worthless; you are still in your sins. ¹⁸Then those also who have fallen asleep in Christ have perished...²⁰But now Christ has been raised from the dead, the first fruits of those who are asleep." 1 Corinthians 15:16-18;20

^"13 Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. ¹⁴ For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. ¹⁵ According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. ¹⁶ For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. ¹⁷ After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. ¹⁸ Therefore encourage one another with these words." 1 Thess 4:13-18

"Multitudes who sleep in the dust of the earth will awake….[They]… will shine like the brightness of the heavens, and those who lead many to righteousness, like the stars for ever and ever." Daniel 12:2-3

"Resurrection means the restoration to us of the life we lost. New heavens and new earth means this body, this world! Our bodies, our homes, our loved ones—restored, returned, perfected and beautified! Given back to us!" -Tim Keller

Thank you Lord for dying for my sins and bearing the wrath of God on the Cross. Thank you for your resurrection and gift of eternal life. Thank you for my faith and the faith of my father, that I can look with eager expectation for your coming again, because we will be together again.

^"55 O DEATH, WHERE IS YOUR VICTORY? O DEATH, WHERE IS YOUR STING?” ⁵⁶ The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law; ⁵⁷ but thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." 1 Corinthians 15:55-57

This is the sweetness of the resurrection.

Dreaming of You

I am a pretty frequent dreamer. When I was younger, I used to write down all my dreams in a journal because I didn't want to forget them. They seemed so vivid and real. As I've gotten older they still are that way, just now a mix of good and bad dreams.

Since my father's passing, I have dreamt about him a lot. Each dream has been different. Sometimes it's a continuation of life, sometimes it's in the past, and sometimes it's this alternate reality where I know he already passed but somehow he's still here. Last night was one of the latter.

It was sometime within this first year of his passing and he came back. We all knew that he was gone and were really confused with his presence. He told us that once a year he would come back and be with us for a day but then he would be gone again. So we made the most of the day, filling him in on what had been happening since he left. When the day came to an end, I went and gathered my brothers and mother so they could say goodbye. His body started to fade like a ghost and I remember feeling so sad that he had to leave, begging him to stay. Then he was gone. The next day I sat down with my mom and her friend reminiscing about the day and they had no idea what I was talking about. They assured me that I had dreamt it all. I tried recounting the day with stories and pictures, but they kept saying "no". With every "no" I sobbed harder and harder as I continued to convince them that it happened. I couldn't have made all this up. He was really here. But apparently he wasn't.

Then I really woke up. This isn't the first inception dream I've had (a dream within a dream), but this definitely was the most emotional. While I was dreaming I felt both the joy and pain of realizing that it was real. I've had mixed emotions about dreaming of my dad. On one hand it is nice to have a place where we both exist together, but on the other hand it sucks to wake up and realize that it's not in this life. There's joy in seeing his face but pain knowing that it's not real.

Until we meet again...

When Love Came Down to Earth

This has song has become one of my favorite songs. We recently sang it at church alongside a sermon talking about God's love for us. I remember our pastor making the point that Christmas reminds us that God loves us'. Immediately my reaction was, "Not this year". I didn't feel loved and in fact Christmas was a reminder of how much life sucked right now. It was hard to enjoy any Christmas activities like making cookies, watching movies, decorating, listening to Christmas music, etc. But I have come to realize that all of these things that were not enjoyable this year were all superficial things that had nothing to do with Christmas anyways. It was not the most wonderful time of the year and we were not having a holly jolly Christmas. Those things were conditional. But what is true is that a savior was born to bring hope and restore peace between God and us.

Although life doesn't feel merry and bright, I can agree that Christmas is about God's love for us and the joy, peace, hope, and help Christ's birth provides.


"When love came down to earth
And made His home with men,
The hopeless found a hope,
The sinner found a friend.
Not to the powerful
But to the poor He came,
And humble, hungry hearts
Were satisfied again.

What joy, what peace has come to us!
What hope, what help, what love!

When every unclean thought,
And every sinful deed
Was scourged upon His back
And hammered through His feet.
The Innocent is cursed,
The guilty are released;
The punishment of God
On God has brought me peace.

What joy, what peace has come to us!
What hope, what help, what love!

Come lay your heavy load
Down at the Master’s feet;
Your shame will be removed,
Your joy will be complete.
Come crucify your pride,
And enter as a child;
For those who bow down low
He’ll lift up to His side.

What joy, what peace has come to us!
What hope, what help, what love!"

Just a day of Eating Turkey

I found it very hard to say that I'm thankful for anything today. Of course I have things to be thankful for but there is an overpowering sense of loss that keeps me from being happy about anything. A year ago today was the last time my family was all together. Tessa and I had the brilliant idea of hosing our first Thanksgiving and we made everything from scratch. It was great and everything turned out delicious. If I had known then that it would be our last, I would have cherished every moment. It's just crazy to think that every passing day is another day further away from us being together.

Today I found myself grieving the loss of my children's grandfather. It all started this morning with a stupid retirement commercial that showed a man just playing with his grandkids and being so happy about spending time with them. My dad would have been a great grandfather and I'm so sad that my kids will never know him. He loved Liam and couldn't wait for him to be at an age where he could really play with him. It just sucks that our kids will have no memories with him and will only know him through stories or pictures.

Dad I wish you could see how crazy and rambunctious Liam is and how beautifully ethnic Felicity is. I can't believe you're not here and that they won't know you.

Yet I Will Praise

This song has been one that I have loved for about a decade now. It was one that I learned to play and even played it at church once in High School. Ironically, it resurfaced in my life and I have been wanting to sing it again. At the time I was concerned that I had no life experience to make this song authentic. Boy do I have it now. Unfortunately I can't really say the words reflect what is in my heart right now, but in time I hope they do. I can praise God for my father's life and all that He did through him, but I'm not able to praise Him for his death because I can't see the good that has come from it. At least not yet.

(Ignore the cheesy video, just listen to the song and read the words)


Yet I Will Praise - Vineyard

I will praise You Lord my God
Even in my brokenness
I will praise You Lord
I will praise You Lord my God
Even in my desperation
I will praise You Lord

And I can't understand
All that You allow
I just can't see the reason
But my life is in Your hands
And though I cannot see You
I choose to trust You

Even when my heart is torn I will praise You Lord
Even when I feel deserted I will praise You Lord
Even in my darkest valley I will praise You Lord
And when my world is shattered and it seems all hope is gone
Yet I will praise You Lord

I will trust You Lord my God
Even in my loneliness
I will trust You Lord
I will trust You Lord my God
Even when I cannot hear You
I will trust You Lord

And I will not forget
That You hung on a cross
Lord You bled and died for me
And if I have to suffer
I know that You've been there
And I know that You're here now

Even when my heart is torn I will trust You Lord
Even when I feel deserted I will trust You Lord
Even in my darkest valley I will trust You Lord
And when my world is shattered and it seems all hope is gone
Yet I will praise You Lord

Not According to Plan

This isn't the post I thought I would be writing following my daughter's birth (I will write her birth story later). Two weeks ago, after nearly 40 hours of labor, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl naturally. And I thought that that was the big obstacle God was calling me to overcome. Little did I know there was more in store. I was discharged from the hospital around noon on Friday and Saturday morning I was awoken to the worst news of my life. My father had suddenly died. I was stunned, shocked, and heartbroken. So with my 3 day old baby in my hands I began my journey of grief.

There is so much to say about what has happened over the last two weeks, so many different emotions. I still don't know how to balance the joy I feel over having this beautiful little girl with the sorrow I feel knowing that I won't have any new memories of my father.

I hate:
- That my mother is widow and will have to live the next 20-30 years without my dad
- That my father was hours away from meeting my daughter (they were supposed to visit that Saturday)
- That this happened before the holidays
- That Liam won't remember who he is
- That Felicity will always be a visual reminder for how long he's been gone
- That we don't have any family here so Dylan and I are taking on a lot more responsibility than we have energy for
- that this all happened because he slipped on a rainy day

I don't know what God's big plan is and I don't really see how any of this is supposed to be better for me. How is the death of my father supposed to be better? So far it has just caused an overwhelming sense of responsibility to make sure my mom is taken care of and that my brother Evan gets his life together. The statement that keeps playing over in my head is, If God is sovereign over my dad's death then He is sovereign over my (or insert name's) life. The faith that it takes for me to believe he was in control of what happened to my dad is the same faith that it takes for me to believe he's in control of what happens next. Right now my faith isn't strong. I don't know how we're gonna make it. I just want to close my eyes and fast forward to the time when life is enjoyable again.