Holy Week for Kids

Easter is coming up this Sunday and I would love for my kids to know that it means more than a bunny and lots of delicious candy (that I will steal). Growing up, I only celebrated Easter Sunday so I am still to this whole "Holy Week" deal. I love the tradition of it all and want my kids to appreciate and understand the purpose of Easter. Last year our church had special services for Maundy Thursday and Good Friday (in addition to the Easter Sunday services) however, being a mother of two small kids, I didn't have the energy to trek them across Miami, so we had our own special services at home. If you find yourself home with kids, here are some things you can do. And please share any of your special family traditions if you have them.

Maundy Thursday

Supplies:
- Jesus Storybook Bible
- water basin and pitcher
- towels
- crackers or bread
- grape juice
- chalice or cups

This can be done after dinner as you are getting ready for bed. Together, read "The Servant King" pg 286. Once you reach the bottom of page 288, pause, and take turns washing each others feet. This will inevitably end up in a huge mess. Continue reading and as you get to the part where Jesus breaks the bread and pours the wine, do the same with your bread and juice. When you are finished you can ask your kids questions like "Why did Jesus wash the disciples feet?", "What is a servant?", "What do the bread and juice remind us of?"

Take a break to clean up, brush teeth, and change into pajamas if you haven't done so already. Then you can continue on with the last story, "A Dark Night in the Garden" pg 294. This story might stir up a lot of discussion for your kids. You can ask them "Why did Jesus go to the Garden?", "What happened in the Garden?", "Did Jesus do anything wrong?", "Why did the people want to kill Jesus?" Your children might not like ending the night with this story, but it's supposed to be unsettling. Pray with them and remind them that God is good and this is part of his plan to fix all that is broken in the world.


Good Friday

Supplies:
- 4 cups flour
- 1 1/2 cups salt
- 1 1/2 cups water
- 1 tablespoon oil
- paint
- pipe cleaners
- small cloth
- sticks for cross
- rock

The kids really enjoyed doing this last year. We didn't have enough flour or salt at the time and had to halve the recipe, so our hill was pretty small. I found the instructions on this blog. It takes about 4-5 hours to bake and then you have to paint it, so plan for enough time.

You can read the story, "The Sun Stops Shining" pg 302, when you are finished with your Easter hill. With the pipe cleaner people you made, reenact the story. Place Jesus on the cross, take him down and wrap him in a cloth, place him in the tomb, put the rock in the opening and place guards around it. Don't forget to ask questions, to see if your kids are understanding what is happening. "Was this a good day or a bad day?" or "Why did Jesus have to die?" You will want to place your Easter Hill in a place where it will not be disturbed but where the kids can still see it.

Easter Sunday

Supplies
- plastic eggs (6 per kid)
- items for eggs: bread crumb, cross, rock, strip of cloth, candy

Before your kids wake, remove the Jesus figure from the Easter hill. Fold the cloth, roll the rock to the side and put an angel on top. Begin the day by reading "God's Wonderful Surprise" pg 310. I didn't add any questions to this part because I felt that the story was sufficient enough. When you finish reading the story, have the kids check on their Easter hill if they haven't noticed it already.

Move on to their easter baskets. I found a pack of a dozen eggs for $1 at Target and labeled two sets from 1-6. The night before place the items in the corresponding eggs. 1- bread, 2 - cross, 3 - cloth, 4 - rock, 5 - empty, 6 - candy. Whenever you decide to open them (before or after church), do so WITH your kids and talk about what the items represent. Happy Home Fairy made this cute little guide with corresponding verses that you can print or pin.

Grace Family Advent Celebration

I'm literally due with baby number three any day now, so I've been spending any free time I have trying to get things done for Christmas. Things like making Christmas gifts, decorations, ordering Christmas gifts online, and most importantly, finishing up an Advent booklet. I've wanted to do this for a couple of years but always ran out of time. This year, since I'm having the baby soon, I wanted to get a plan down for how we would celebrate the season of Advent.

Now I didn't grow up observing Advent, so this is all fairly new to me. I think once we experienced great loss, Christmas became a sweeter, more longing-after holiday. I've experienced Christmas in a new way and I wanted my kids to know what Christmas was really about. I'm all about the fun and excitement of Santa Claus, Christmas cookies, decorations and what not, but they aren't so important to me anymore.

There are many Advent reading plans out there but honestly, they were too intense for me. I can't commit to a reading everyday for a month. So I created a simple weekly plan. Every Sunday you get your family or friends together to read the passage, light the candle, say a prayer and sing a song. This could be done after dinner or right before bedtime. It's totally up to you. The point is for it to be simple but also keeping the hope of Christmas the main focus.

How to Celebrate 

Print out the attached booklet. You can print it by printing all the even pages first and then the flipping the pages and print the odd ones. Or if your printer is smart it might have the option to print double-sided and then staple the papers down the middle. There are more instructions in the booklet as to what other supplies you need. If you have any problems let me know. It took me forever to figure out how to make this booklet.

The first Sunday of Advent starts this coming Sunday, November 30th. I hope you will be filled with great joy as you celebrate.

DOWNLOAD BOOKLET

Encouragement for the Failing Parent

Nothing makes you feel like a failure more than parenting. Especially when you are a new parent. You're never sure if you are doing things "right" and are constantly second-guessing your methods. Unfortunately for us, we felt like failures from the very beginning. Liam had colic and acid reflux for the first four months and didn't sleep through the night until he was nine months old. This was not because of a lack of resources or effort, that's just who he was. I remember crying all the time (both of us), reading books and blogs, trying to figure out what I needed to do differently, but nothing worked. Luckily, I was blessed with a very wise husband who told me I had to put away the books because they were causing more stress than help in my life. And he was right. These books and blogs created expectations about how a baby should act if you do A, B, and C, so I was really discouraged when I tried everything and it still wasn't producing the results I wanted.

I remember when Liam was teething and still not sleeping through the night, he had one fluke night and slept for like 9 hours. I attributed this to the medicine that I gave him and was convinced that this was the magic potion to get him to sleep through the night. In efforts to recreate this, I would give him the same cocktail every night. It didn't always work, but I was sure that it was helping. One night, before Dylan and I headed out the door for a date night, I realized that I forgot to give him teething medicine and started freaking out, "Oh man, he's for sure gonna wake up tonight!" I was so distraught that Dylan (the wise one) suggested we pray about as we were out on our date. I realized that I was putting all my hope in a little tube of teething gel (and my own discipline in applying it) rather than the God of the universe who is in control of everything. And you know what happened that night? Liam slept through the night. And the next night. And the next.

It didn't last forever but I was okay with that. Just experiencing the grace of God in an area that was so stressful was enough for me. It was his way of telling me to let go and and give him control. I relied way too much on my own intellect, logic, and parenting resources and not enough on the ultimate resource. I wish I could say I learned my lesson then, but that would have been too easy :)

So now I am in the throws of disciplining a three year old. For some reason I thought this would be easier but boy is it hard work. Every attempt at discipline fails. Time outs, spankings, quiet times, rewards, reasoning, etc., nothing works. The phrase we say over and over in our house is, "Please just listen and obey!" The most frustration comes with nap time and bed time. Liam will just not stay put no matter what we do and some nights it would take us over an hour to put him to sleep. Those are the times when I want to punch a hole in the wall and go on a long vacation by myself.

One day during what was supposed to be nap time, I felt completely discouraged and angry. I left the room and started reading my bible because I was fuming on the inside. God must have known because my mother happened to come by earlier than expected and was able to play with the kids so I could have some down time. This is when I was confronted once again with my control issues. I was upset because I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong and why Liam wasn't responding the way he was "supposed" to.

Over the last couple of weeks I've been collecting verses to encourage me during those times when I feel like I'm failing. Hopefully they will bring hope to you as well.

Good, but not Great

I was thinking today about how awkward it is when people ask how things are going or how we are doing. "Good", "Okay", or "Alright" are my normal go-tos and that changes hour by hour. But I wondered if I would ever again answer that things are "Great".

Life after loss is like a dark cloud over your head. It's like my new neutral state is sad. And it's not that there isn't any happiness left in life. There will be moments of joy; when I laugh, smile, enjoy a movie, spend the day at the beach, go on a date, play with my kids, etc. But when the dust settles, it's back to sadness.

I'm not saying that this is a good thing, it's just how it is right now. When things stop moving, the loss is what my mind goes to. Even moments of happiness are quickly dimmed when I think about my father not being there to share in the moment. I wonder if it will always feel this way. If I will always feel this overarching gloom about life.


Oh, that I would find joy in the hope of my salvation and not in my circumstances.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year?

It sure doesn't seem like the most wonderful time of the year. With recent tragedies in our country I am reminded that for many people this is the most depressing time of the year. A time filled with grief, loss, heartbreak, and pain. And all around us we are bombarded with what we don't have.

I came face to face with this last year dealing with my father's death in the midst of the holidays. I couldn't stomach much Holiday music because I felt like they were all lies. It wasn't the Most Wonderful Time of the Year. I wasn't having a Holly Jolly Christmas. My days weren't Merry and Bright. And social media didn't help. Seeing people's awesome family vacations, family pictures, shopping adventures, and Holiday parties was all too much. Life was terrible, thanks for reminding me.

I say the word Holiday instead of Christmas because it was the superficial aspect of the Holidays that made me depressed, not Christ. When Christmas was about Christ and his coming to redeem what what broken, then I was hopeful.  I remember being in church during one of the Advent Sundays, pacing back and forth with Felicity in her Ergo carrier, and having tears well up in my eyes because Christmas had become real to me. Hope was birthed in me because I had tasted the bitterness of death. Christmas wasn't about being merry and bright because we're baking cookies, playing in the snow, and singing silly songs. Christmas is about hope. And with that hope in mind, I can enjoy the time spent family and friends eating good food, giving gifts, singing carols, and celebrating what Christmas means.

"A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices"

This was certainly true in my case. Never have I been more thankful that Christ had come to our world, born a baby, died on the cross, to conquer sin and death, and restore all that is lost.

"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.'"
Revelation 21:3-5

The Time has Come

November 5th has come and gone. The week leading up to it I was an emotional mess, crying all the time but also celebrating my daughter's first birthday. I was completely exhausted in every way. I didn't really have time to prepare myself for what I would be feeling. However, it was comforting just to be around my family. My brother and his family drove through the night on Saturday just so we all could be together. We haven't really grieved together as a family since it happened so it was necessary for our souls. 

Sunday night, some friends of my parents that live here in South Florida put together a worship night in my father's honor. It was a night to remember, grieve , heal and remind ourselves of the gospel.  The interesting thing is that it wasn't necessarily for my family. They would have done this even if we were unable to come. They missed him and wanted to come together to worship as he had taught them. That is very special. The people here have only known my father for 3 years but the stories they told and the way they spoke of him made it seem like they had known him for years. Together they made a scrap book full of stories and pictures of my dad and we are grateful. We thought he was a great man; it nice to know that others thought the same. 

 

This tragic day is bookended by two special days. Felicity's birthday on Nov. 2 and my nephew Augustin's birthday on Nov. 12. Since we were all together we did a little celebration with them and introduced them to their first Carvel ice cream cake (a Richardson staple). Right now, their birth is a painful reminder of my father's absence. I pray and hope that as the years pass my heart would be thankful for this timing and see it as an act of God's grace. We are so thankful for our cute crazy kids and wish that my father were here to enjoy them with us.

The little gang

... and August just destroyed it

Felicity was very careful

 

 

 

 At the end of the day, we met some of my mom's friends at the beach to send off paper lanterns in memory of my father. As I looked at the group gathered on the beach, I realized that I year ago I didn't know who most of them were. But as the year went on, these would be the people that have cared for my mom here in South Florida (and many others who are not local). They have welcomed her into their families and have truly loved her in a way that would honor my father. I was comforted to know that not only did these people love my father, they deeply loved my mom and were committed to her. 

 We have survived the first year. Now we choose to walk in faith trusting that God's plans are good and he still has a purpose for us.

Preparing for the Last "First"

It's hard to put into words the things that have been going around in my head as we near the one year mark of my father's passing. Everyday I think of what I was doing last year at this time and how different I thought our life was going to be. I thought we would be living in Salerno with our best friends, learning Italian, making friends with the locals, and gearing up for our parents to visit us. But that is not how the story went. 

All my mental energy has been focused on Halloween costumes and getting ready for Felicity's first birthday. Which has been both good and bad. I have had something to look forward to, but haven't made the time to grieve. I feel like it just snuck up on me and all of a sudden it's here. After Felicity's birthday there is only one more "first" to walk through. The end of the first year without my dad. This makes it so real to me. That THIS is going to be the new normal. It's so heartbreaking for life to go on without him and that soon it will be normal for him not to be here. I don't even want to know what that feels like. 

What I recently learned is this: God used the birth of my daughter to prepare me for what was to come. My labor with Felicity was long and the most physical pain I have ever felt. It literally felt like torture. My body was torturing me and there was nothing I could do about it. A couple days before the birth, I wrote in my journal that I was stressed about our finances and didn't think that I was going to be able to do this birth because I had reached the end of my rope. I felt defeated. But when the time came, God gave me the strength and the support from others to endure the pain and in the end a beautiful girl was born. I learned then that great pain can lead to great joy. Little did I know that the real test of my faith was going to be three days later. By His strength and the support of others, I have been able to walk through this pain and see that in the end, it will be beautiful. It's not now, but one day it will be.

Felicity was God's gracious reminder that pain can lead to joy. The pain of my father's death was, and is, still great, but because of God's grace, I can now joyfully and eagerly anticipate the redemption of all that is broken, and eternity spent with Him. 

The Darkest of Seasons

On Sunday we received terrible news that our friends precious nine month old daughter suddenly passed away. As I write this, my heart is overcome with grief for them. I think once you experience grief, it's very easy to go back to that place. A place of great sorrow where your heart is literally aching and it is hard to find joy in anything. (Before I continue, I want to make it perfectly clear that I am not taking their loss and making it about me. What they are experiencing is devastating, it just brings back all these emotions I had when my father passed and that I am still working through). Now I am flooded with feelings from their loss, the loss of my father, and every other loss in between. It seems like everywhere I turn there is tragedy. This has been a dark season of life, not just for me, but for those around me as well.

I don't understand why this is. Why is it just one terrible thing after another? And not just any terrible thing, but the worst thing, death. In Ecclesiastes 3 it says that there is a season for everything, "a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance." This season of weeping and mourning has lasted way too long. When can we laugh and dance again without the pain of great loss looming over us? I don't think we fully can outside of heaven. I'm sure over time the pain lessons, but the sorrow is still there. 

Six Months Lost at Sea (Part 2)

Two days ago I described what life was like before my father passed, now I will fill you in on what it has been like since.

AFTER

We found ourselves completely lost at sea, struggling to stay above water. It seemed like every time we came up for air, there was another wave beating us down. We were physically worn out from Felicity's labor and the sleep deprivation that comes with caring for a newborn. There was no energy left for us to deal with what happened, but we had to. We needed to be with my mom, my brothers, make arrangements, and somehow care for our newborn girl. We were exhausted on all levels.

And this is how we lived for two months. We dropped our lives and just tried to hang on. We would spend a couple days at my moms and then a couple days back home. Back and forth, every week. I don't think we cooked a single meal, cleaned our apartment, or did any work. We were hanging on and  waiting for help to come. And it did come in small forms. Friends from church brought us food, watched our babies, Dylan's mom came to help out and we even had some friends give financial gifts so we could pay our bills. We were (and are) completely grateful for all those things, but the big rescue we were hoping for didn't come. We found ourselves still broke, sleep deprived, and feeling stuck. A few big opportunities for support fell through and left us in a really tough spot. After the new year our finances hit a critical low and we were faced with the decision if we were going to pay rent or our health insurance (never mind all the past medical bills from Felicity's birth). So rent it was.

Then God through us a life line. We found out that my dad had some insurance policy put in my name when Liam was born, but didn't tell anyone (just like him to do). This money covered the debt we had accumulated over the past couple of months and would help us to cover our future needs. It was very conflicting in our hearts to be excited to have money again when we knew what had to happen in order for us to get it. I remember weeping as I signed the check to deposit it to the bank thinking Why did this have to be the way you provide for us? Shortly after we decided that a good use of this money would be to take a trip to Salerno to 1. remind ourselves of the mission we are working towards and 2. spend time with dear friends who would be like aloe to our wounds (that sounds a little weirder that I hoped).

So last week we were in Salerno, without kids. We laughed, cried, stuffed our faces, slept (woohoo), and talked through life with some of our closest friends. It was exactly what we need. An escape from the craziness to focus on what was going on inside our hearts. And we realized is that we need help. We've been treading water for so long and what we need is a rescue chopper to come pull us out of the water so we can recover. We need God to do miracles in our hearts to believe him for good things again. My faith has been broken down to the basics and that's what I have been clinging to but I need God to give me the faith to believe in his character.

For the first time in a long time, I would say that I'm hopeful. Like Job, I am learning to say "Though he slay me, I will hope in him."

The Sweetness of the Resurrection

This past week has had me thinking a lot about my dad. As a music pastor, Easter was always a big day for him. There were musicals, plays, concerts, outreaches, baptisms, and multiple services. Amidst the ping of sadness of celebrating this first Easter without him, God (in his graciousness) has revealed the joy that I can find in this day.

^"16For if the dead are not raised, not even Christ has been raised; ¹⁷and if Christ has not been raised your faith is worthless; you are still in your sins. ¹⁸Then those also who have fallen asleep in Christ have perished...²⁰But now Christ has been raised from the dead, the first fruits of those who are asleep." 1 Corinthians 15:16-18;20

^"13 Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. ¹⁴ For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. ¹⁵ According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. ¹⁶ For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. ¹⁷ After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. ¹⁸ Therefore encourage one another with these words." 1 Thess 4:13-18

"Multitudes who sleep in the dust of the earth will awake….[They]… will shine like the brightness of the heavens, and those who lead many to righteousness, like the stars for ever and ever." Daniel 12:2-3

"Resurrection means the restoration to us of the life we lost. New heavens and new earth means this body, this world! Our bodies, our homes, our loved ones—restored, returned, perfected and beautified! Given back to us!" -Tim Keller

Thank you Lord for dying for my sins and bearing the wrath of God on the Cross. Thank you for your resurrection and gift of eternal life. Thank you for my faith and the faith of my father, that I can look with eager expectation for your coming again, because we will be together again.

^"55 O DEATH, WHERE IS YOUR VICTORY? O DEATH, WHERE IS YOUR STING?” ⁵⁶ The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law; ⁵⁷ but thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." 1 Corinthians 15:55-57

This is the sweetness of the resurrection.

Yet I Will Praise

This song has been one that I have loved for about a decade now. It was one that I learned to play and even played it at church once in High School. Ironically, it resurfaced in my life and I have been wanting to sing it again. At the time I was concerned that I had no life experience to make this song authentic. Boy do I have it now. Unfortunately I can't really say the words reflect what is in my heart right now, but in time I hope they do. I can praise God for my father's life and all that He did through him, but I'm not able to praise Him for his death because I can't see the good that has come from it. At least not yet.

(Ignore the cheesy video, just listen to the song and read the words)


Yet I Will Praise - Vineyard

I will praise You Lord my God
Even in my brokenness
I will praise You Lord
I will praise You Lord my God
Even in my desperation
I will praise You Lord

And I can't understand
All that You allow
I just can't see the reason
But my life is in Your hands
And though I cannot see You
I choose to trust You

Even when my heart is torn I will praise You Lord
Even when I feel deserted I will praise You Lord
Even in my darkest valley I will praise You Lord
And when my world is shattered and it seems all hope is gone
Yet I will praise You Lord

I will trust You Lord my God
Even in my loneliness
I will trust You Lord
I will trust You Lord my God
Even when I cannot hear You
I will trust You Lord

And I will not forget
That You hung on a cross
Lord You bled and died for me
And if I have to suffer
I know that You've been there
And I know that You're here now

Even when my heart is torn I will trust You Lord
Even when I feel deserted I will trust You Lord
Even in my darkest valley I will trust You Lord
And when my world is shattered and it seems all hope is gone
Yet I will praise You Lord

Not According to Plan

This isn't the post I thought I would be writing following my daughter's birth (I will write her birth story later). Two weeks ago, after nearly 40 hours of labor, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl naturally. And I thought that that was the big obstacle God was calling me to overcome. Little did I know there was more in store. I was discharged from the hospital around noon on Friday and Saturday morning I was awoken to the worst news of my life. My father had suddenly died. I was stunned, shocked, and heartbroken. So with my 3 day old baby in my hands I began my journey of grief.

There is so much to say about what has happened over the last two weeks, so many different emotions. I still don't know how to balance the joy I feel over having this beautiful little girl with the sorrow I feel knowing that I won't have any new memories of my father.

I hate:
- That my mother is widow and will have to live the next 20-30 years without my dad
- That my father was hours away from meeting my daughter (they were supposed to visit that Saturday)
- That this happened before the holidays
- That Liam won't remember who he is
- That Felicity will always be a visual reminder for how long he's been gone
- That we don't have any family here so Dylan and I are taking on a lot more responsibility than we have energy for
- that this all happened because he slipped on a rainy day

I don't know what God's big plan is and I don't really see how any of this is supposed to be better for me. How is the death of my father supposed to be better? So far it has just caused an overwhelming sense of responsibility to make sure my mom is taken care of and that my brother Evan gets his life together. The statement that keeps playing over in my head is, If God is sovereign over my dad's death then He is sovereign over my (or insert name's) life. The faith that it takes for me to believe he was in control of what happened to my dad is the same faith that it takes for me to believe he's in control of what happens next. Right now my faith isn't strong. I don't know how we're gonna make it. I just want to close my eyes and fast forward to the time when life is enjoyable again.

Feminine Appeal - Chapter 2

At the moment I am crawling my way through three books and one of them is Carolyn Mahaney's Feminine Appeal. I'm only on the second chapter and I've enjoyed it already. Basically she is going through Titus chapter 2 and the charge for older women to teach younger women. Chapter 2 of the book is called "The Delight of Loving my Husband". She talks about the way that Paul encourages the older women to train the younger women how to love their husbands in Titus 2:4. The word for love that Paul uses here is the agape love that we are used to but the phileo love. This love is an affectionate compassionate love. So often as women it is easy for us to love our husbands in the agape way - sacrificially, but hard for us to love them with phileo love. Some great words of wisdom from the chapter are:

"In fact, women will often continue to sacrifice and serve their husbands even is all the tender feelings for them have subsided. Author Douglas Wilson makes this observation: 'Women are fully capable of loving a man, and sacrificing for him, while believing the entire time that he is a true unvarnished jerk. Women are good at this kind of love.'" Yikes! I often use this to justify my attitude. I can clean and wash clothes totally pissed off and think Well I'm still serving you and fulfilling my role, what are YOU doing.

"Where sin is present, warm affection dissipates. Anger, bitterness, criticism, pride, selfishness, fear, laziness -- all vigorously oppose tender love. This love cannot survive in a heart that harbors sin." You can't muster up the feelings you need to love your husband affectionately. If there is bitterness in your heart it will always seem just like a chore

"... we were created to be our husband's helper not our children's mother. Certainly we are to love, care for, and nurture our children, but this love is to flow out of a lifestyle that is first and foremost committed to helping our husbands. Our husbands should always remain first in our hearts and in our care." This is a tough one to swallow but I believe it is true. Many husbands suffer because their wives have made their kids the number one priority and have left them (the husbands) high and dry.

So far, so good. I'm excited to see what the rest of the books hold

Eventless Planner

During our year in Orlando, we had the opportunity to do a lot of assessment tests to see where our skills and strengths are. It turns out my skills are planning, organizing, and creating. While we were considering our future and Dylan was leaning towards leaving staff and doing graphic design, I kind of freaked out because that meant that I would have to get a job. And I had no idea what I would be good out. But after going through these tests I thought, Hey I think I would be good at event planning. It's something that I'm interested in and excites me. Thankfully God lead us down another road, to a future that is much more rewarding.

However, I find that event planning is something that still lingers in me. I'm always thinking of party plans, watching wedding shows, looking up ideas online, etc. But I am planning events for no one. I have a bookmark tab that is full of websites, but I've never been able to use them. As I added another website to my list, I started to worry if I would every have the opportunity to throw someone a shower, plan a wedding, or a birthday party. No one has ever asked me and I feared that no one will. As I shared my disappointment with Dylan, he told me the simplest things, "Go to God with it". I've been incredibly blessed to have a husband that is fully saturating himself in the gospel and is able to speak hopeful truth to me. He assured me that if God gave me these skills and desires, that he had a purpose in them. Maybe I will be able to use them in different ways.

As I write this, I feel like it may come across as something very trivial. But anyone who has been passionate about doing something but can't figure out how to make it come to be will sympathize with me. If only I had the money I would just throw awesome parties for myself.

What LHS has meant

From my journal on Monday

"So, Lake Hart Stint is over and we are now in St. Pete. When I think about LHS being over I get sad, and I didn't think I would get this emotional about it. When we finally laid on the floor of our empty apartment at Cypress Lake, I started tearing up. This apartment represented so much and it is where God restored so much.

- I came as a worn out, tired woman and was leaving as a woman who literally had new life in her
- I came somewhat resenting motherhood and am leaving seeing it as a true blessing
- My son came as a source of great frustration for me and is leaving as a source of great joy
- I cam doubting God's goodness and am leaving with full faith that he has my best in mind
- Dylan and I cam as two individuals, co-existing in the same space just trying to survive and are leaving stronger and more in love than before
- My husband came exhausted from ministry and lack of vision and is leaving motivated with a better dream than he could have ever dreamt of

As I laid on the floor I thought of these things and how God has been so good to us. The walls of that apartment represented his blessings in our lives"

The Tough Transition into Motherhood

Last week I spent sometime evaluating different areas of my life and was really disappointed to find that I'm not doing so well. Once Liam came, life stopped and I hoped at this point I would be back to the familiar me, but I'm not. My life isn't much different than it was one year ago. The only area that I can see growth is in my mothering skills. Everything else, like my relationship with God, time with friends, doing things that refresh me, managing my home, etc., has taken a major downturn. It's like I don't know how to be me in this new role as a mother and keep up with all these other areas in life. I mean, I good day for me is Liam eating and sleeping well, beyond that, I make no promises. At this point I was hoping to be thriving again, having a deep relationship with God, enjoying my family, spending great time with friends, being healthy and taking care of my body, and having a clean home. I don't know how to merge what was true of my life before into this new role as a mother. It's not that I have high expectations on what my life should look like, I just don't know how to put it all together. I've been in survival mode for over a year now and I don't know how to move on to a more sustainable life.

Preparing for Easter

As I've been reflecting this week on Christ and his death and resurrection, there have been a couple of songs that have been playing over and over in my mind. I don't really care about these videos but it was the easiest way to share these songs. The first is by Matt Maher and the second by Phil Wickham. When I first heard them a couple years ago, I remember kind of being stopped in my tracks because of the lyrics. I hope that they will help usher you into a time of thanksgiving and praise for Gods love and for Christ's sacrifice and triumph over death.

Girls Weekend

I've been meaning to blog for a week but life has kind of gotten in the way. Last weekend some of my best friends from college and I got together for a girls weekend. It was SOOO great. Eight years ago I was blessed with an amazing small group and to this day they are cherished friends. As we shared stories through laughter and tears, I felt incredibly blessed to have these women in my life. And it was great to see how God has been moving in our lives and growing us in our faith. But those late nights killed me. I clearly don't get out enough. I think I was up til 1 am both nights and Liam wasn't sleeping well so he kept waking up early. Needless to say, when Sunday came around I was like a zombie. I definitely went to bed at 9pm that night.

Celebrating Advent

This year I really wanted to celebrate advent. I went out and bought a wreath and candles and downloaded some readings for each day. It started off strong but slowly fizzled out. I think I went a whole week without lighting a candle. Luckily I give myself a lot of grace these days. Even though I forgot a couple days here and there, advent has been with me everyday. This year more than ever the reality of Christ's incarnation is sinking in. As I rock Liam to sleep at night and sing him Christmas carols I can't help but think about Jesus as a baby. I think about Mary holding him and nursing him. I think about how he brought delight to them as Liam brings to Dylan and I. I think about his first steps as we try to help Liam with his. I think about his first words as Liam only grunts at us. It's all becoming very real to me. Emmanuel, God with us.

One of the songs that I've been stuck on this Advent season is O Come, O Come Emmanuel. I literally have sung this everyday. This, along with the readings, has really helped me focus on the real meaning of Christmas. Not only of the hope that Jesus was then, but the hope he is for us now.

There are like 7 stanzas, here are the four I'm most familiar with

Oh, come, oh, come, Emmanuel,
And ransom captive Israel,
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to you, O Israel!

Oh, come, our Wisdom from on high,
Who ordered all things mightily;
To us the path of knowledge show,
and teach us in her ways to go.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to you, O Israel!

Oh, come, oh, come, Emmanuel,
And ransom captive Israel,
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to you, O Israel!

Oh, come, our Wisdom from on high,
Who ordered all things mightily;
To us the path of knowledge show,
and teach us in her ways to go.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to you, O Israel!

O Ye of Little Faith

So the past two weeks I have been driving myself BONKERS trying to figure out why Liam was waking up so much in the middle of the night. I tried everything and sought help everywhere. I fed him more, I made sure he wasn't too cold, gave him Oragel, Hylands, tylenol, let him cry it out, read blogs, book... Literally just racked my brain. Then finally on Saturday night, we gave him his teething gel and Dylan and I decided we should just pray with him before bed. And guess what, it worked. He went back to sleeping 9 hours straight. Of course prayer was the last thing that I thought of. I'd been exhausting myself trying to figure it out instead of taking it to God.

The next night we prayed again. As Dylan left the room he told me he forgot to put his Hylands on his teeth so I should do it, but I was already feeding him and knew he wouldn't want to stop. I thought Oh no, he's definitely going to wake up in the middle of the night because we forgot the teething gel. And instantly was convicted. Even after seeing God answer our prayer the night before, I was still putting my faith in a little bottle of teething gel instead of the God of the universe. So I decided to not give him the teething gel. If God wanted him to sleep, he could sleep without it. And as I sat there I began thinking just even eight hours, that's all I ask. But once again, my thoughts were stopped dead in their tracks. Why was I asking God for the bare minimum? Instead of asking Him for a full 12 hours of sleep, I was settling for less. I didn't have the faith to ask God for what seemed the impossible.

So, after Liam fell asleep we asked God to allow him to sleep 12 hours. He didn't sleep 12 hours but he slept 10 1/2!! A new record. I kept waking up during the night, checking on him, but he was knocked out. And last night he slept 10 1/2 hours again. We are so thankful that God has been stretching our faith through our son. We are learning to not rely on stupid tubes of teething gel or bedtime rituals, but a God who is bigger than these things.