This isn't the post I thought I would be writing following my daughter's birth (I will write her birth story later). Two weeks ago, after nearly 40 hours of labor, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl naturally. And I thought that that was the big obstacle God was calling me to overcome. Little did I know there was more in store. I was discharged from the hospital around noon on Friday and Saturday morning I was awoken to the worst news of my life. My father had suddenly died. I was stunned, shocked, and heartbroken. So with my 3 day old baby in my hands I began my journey of grief.
There is so much to say about what has happened over the last two weeks, so many different emotions. I still don't know how to balance the joy I feel over having this beautiful little girl with the sorrow I feel knowing that I won't have any new memories of my father.
I hate:
- That my mother is widow and will have to live the next 20-30 years without my dad
- That my father was hours away from meeting my daughter (they were supposed to visit that Saturday)
- That this happened before the holidays
- That Liam won't remember who he is
- That Felicity will always be a visual reminder for how long he's been gone
- That we don't have any family here so Dylan and I are taking on a lot more responsibility than we have energy for
- that this all happened because he slipped on a rainy day
I don't know what God's big plan is and I don't really see how any of this is supposed to be better for me. How is the death of my father supposed to be better? So far it has just caused an overwhelming sense of responsibility to make sure my mom is taken care of and that my brother Evan gets his life together. The statement that keeps playing over in my head is, If God is sovereign over my dad's death then He is sovereign over my (or insert name's) life. The faith that it takes for me to believe he was in control of what happened to my dad is the same faith that it takes for me to believe he's in control of what happens next. Right now my faith isn't strong. I don't know how we're gonna make it. I just want to close my eyes and fast forward to the time when life is enjoyable again.
Suffering is awful. I can't imagine the depth of pain you feel, but I relate to you in some way. I've told God a million times that I was mad at him, that I didn't like what he was doing, and I doubted that he loved me. But I've learned that He does love me (mostly through counseling). Suffering never goes away on earth, but the victory is knowing that we're not of this world. Sorrowful, yet always rejoicing. A paradox only accomplished through Christ.
ReplyDeleteI'm grieved by your tragedy. It breaks my heart. It sucks. Through it, God will draw you into a deeper relationship with him. I know He will, because he loves you still.
I hope that wasn't too preachy. You can ignore it if it was. I just love you and I want you to know I'm praying for you a lot.
Oh, Chevas. I am so incredibly sorry. Crying out to God on your behalf. That he would carry you through this..His arms are the the most tender. He will wipe your tears, I know. Longing for eternity with you, girl. Hold that precious baby, weep when you need to, and cling to Jesus the lover of your soul until you can say with all your heart, "He gives & takes away, my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be your name" I'll pray you through till joy may abound. love you.
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