Six Months Lost at Sea (Part 2)

Two days ago I described what life was like before my father passed, now I will fill you in on what it has been like since.

AFTER

We found ourselves completely lost at sea, struggling to stay above water. It seemed like every time we came up for air, there was another wave beating us down. We were physically worn out from Felicity's labor and the sleep deprivation that comes with caring for a newborn. There was no energy left for us to deal with what happened, but we had to. We needed to be with my mom, my brothers, make arrangements, and somehow care for our newborn girl. We were exhausted on all levels.

And this is how we lived for two months. We dropped our lives and just tried to hang on. We would spend a couple days at my moms and then a couple days back home. Back and forth, every week. I don't think we cooked a single meal, cleaned our apartment, or did any work. We were hanging on and  waiting for help to come. And it did come in small forms. Friends from church brought us food, watched our babies, Dylan's mom came to help out and we even had some friends give financial gifts so we could pay our bills. We were (and are) completely grateful for all those things, but the big rescue we were hoping for didn't come. We found ourselves still broke, sleep deprived, and feeling stuck. A few big opportunities for support fell through and left us in a really tough spot. After the new year our finances hit a critical low and we were faced with the decision if we were going to pay rent or our health insurance (never mind all the past medical bills from Felicity's birth). So rent it was.

Then God through us a life line. We found out that my dad had some insurance policy put in my name when Liam was born, but didn't tell anyone (just like him to do). This money covered the debt we had accumulated over the past couple of months and would help us to cover our future needs. It was very conflicting in our hearts to be excited to have money again when we knew what had to happen in order for us to get it. I remember weeping as I signed the check to deposit it to the bank thinking Why did this have to be the way you provide for us? Shortly after we decided that a good use of this money would be to take a trip to Salerno to 1. remind ourselves of the mission we are working towards and 2. spend time with dear friends who would be like aloe to our wounds (that sounds a little weirder that I hoped).

So last week we were in Salerno, without kids. We laughed, cried, stuffed our faces, slept (woohoo), and talked through life with some of our closest friends. It was exactly what we need. An escape from the craziness to focus on what was going on inside our hearts. And we realized is that we need help. We've been treading water for so long and what we need is a rescue chopper to come pull us out of the water so we can recover. We need God to do miracles in our hearts to believe him for good things again. My faith has been broken down to the basics and that's what I have been clinging to but I need God to give me the faith to believe in his character.

For the first time in a long time, I would say that I'm hopeful. Like Job, I am learning to say "Though he slay me, I will hope in him."