Dreaming of You

I am a pretty frequent dreamer. When I was younger, I used to write down all my dreams in a journal because I didn't want to forget them. They seemed so vivid and real. As I've gotten older they still are that way, just now a mix of good and bad dreams.

Since my father's passing, I have dreamt about him a lot. Each dream has been different. Sometimes it's a continuation of life, sometimes it's in the past, and sometimes it's this alternate reality where I know he already passed but somehow he's still here. Last night was one of the latter.

It was sometime within this first year of his passing and he came back. We all knew that he was gone and were really confused with his presence. He told us that once a year he would come back and be with us for a day but then he would be gone again. So we made the most of the day, filling him in on what had been happening since he left. When the day came to an end, I went and gathered my brothers and mother so they could say goodbye. His body started to fade like a ghost and I remember feeling so sad that he had to leave, begging him to stay. Then he was gone. The next day I sat down with my mom and her friend reminiscing about the day and they had no idea what I was talking about. They assured me that I had dreamt it all. I tried recounting the day with stories and pictures, but they kept saying "no". With every "no" I sobbed harder and harder as I continued to convince them that it happened. I couldn't have made all this up. He was really here. But apparently he wasn't.

Then I really woke up. This isn't the first inception dream I've had (a dream within a dream), but this definitely was the most emotional. While I was dreaming I felt both the joy and pain of realizing that it was real. I've had mixed emotions about dreaming of my dad. On one hand it is nice to have a place where we both exist together, but on the other hand it sucks to wake up and realize that it's not in this life. There's joy in seeing his face but pain knowing that it's not real.

Until we meet again...