Halloween

Peter Pan & Wendy - Halloween 2014

Halloween can be really fun without all the spooky, scary, monster, and ghost stuff. I didn't grow up celebrating Halloween but I love the costumes, treats, and the celebration of fall. Now that I have kids, I love celebrating with them and keeping it lighthearted.

Film: Curious George Halloween Boo Fest. This is available on Netflix and I think we watched it five times last year. There are also plenty of Halloween episodes of your kids favorite shows playing this week on TV or on Netflix and Hulu. Our kids still love the Disney Junior Halloween episodes of Little Einsteins, Jake and the Neverland Pirates, Sofia the first, Doc Mc Stuffins, and Elena of Avalor. I grew up watching Hocus Pocus, but now that I'm a parent, it doesn't seem that kid friendly so I haven't let my kids watch it. But who knows, maybe this is the year.

Activity: Trick-or-Treating of course!! Enjoy your time as a family, stay up past bedtime, and indulge in way too much candy.

Art: For me, this week will be spent putting the final touches on Halloween costumes. You can get your kids to help out if you trust them.

Music: I found this Youtube video of fun Halloween songs for little kids. It's like 13 songs and 30 minutes of music in one video or you can search and find the individual songs.

Food: Mummy Dogs. These are great to make for Halloween night before Trick-or-Treating or maybe for a playdate lunch. I think I have made them the last two years.  These Candy Corn Parfaits are easy and a fairly healthy snack.

Bringing new life into a broken world

I anticipated that some part of the birthing/newborn process was going to be emotionally hard for me, I just didn't know when it would hit. The last time I had a baby, my father was still alive. The last time I talked to him was on the phone at the hospital. The moment I woke up from my first night being at home with my newborn, everything changed. 

This is where I am now. The first night home with my newborn. And this is where I am facing grief head on. This is a whole new "first" for me. The first time I have brought life into world where my father doesn't exist. And I hate it. 

I hate living in a world where he doesn't exist. 

I tried to think of a different word to use besides hate, but I believe it's appropriate. Death is something to be hated. Brokenness is something to be hated. And I am more aware of that brokenness when I hold my newborn daughter and mourn the absence of my father in her life. 

It's all very surreal and weird. Even after three years, it's still hard to believe he's not here. In my mind, memories and dreams, he's very much alive and active. Because I knew him so well, I can picture exactly what he would do, what he would say, and how he would interact with our kids. I can see him now with my son, giving him music lessons or sitting at a table intricately building Legos together. I can see him with with my daughter (I guess I'm gonna have to start specifying which one) sneakily eating some kind of treat because she would have him wrapped around her finger. I see him with my nephew, laying on the floor playing with his trains. I see him with my niece, holding her and making embarrassingly goofy faces just to make her laugh. Because I can imagine these things, it makes the loss that more difficult. He would have been the best grandfather.  

It sucks and I hate it. I wish I could just sit here and stare at by daughters beauty without all these thoughts in the front of my mind. Without anticipating the next terrible thing to happen. I am so acutely aware of how fragile life is and how quickly everything can change, that I feel like I'm just waiting for the next bad news to happen. This is not where I want to be.  I want to be hopeful for the future and have joyful anticipation of what's to come instead of fear. 

My prayers these days seem to echo the words of my favorite Christmas hymns

"Come thou long expected Jesus

Born to set thy people free

From our fears and sins release us

Let us find our rest in thee."

"O come thou dayspring come and cheer

Our spirits by thine advent here

Disperse the gloomy clouds of night

And death's dark shadows put to flight"

Praying for a more hope-filled tomorrow. 

*DISCLAIMER: I am sleep deprived so if anything doesn't make sense, I apologize, just go with it. 

Grace Family Advent Celebration

I'm literally due with baby number three any day now, so I've been spending any free time I have trying to get things done for Christmas. Things like making Christmas gifts, decorations, ordering Christmas gifts online, and most importantly, finishing up an Advent booklet. I've wanted to do this for a couple of years but always ran out of time. This year, since I'm having the baby soon, I wanted to get a plan down for how we would celebrate the season of Advent.

Now I didn't grow up observing Advent, so this is all fairly new to me. I think once we experienced great loss, Christmas became a sweeter, more longing-after holiday. I've experienced Christmas in a new way and I wanted my kids to know what Christmas was really about. I'm all about the fun and excitement of Santa Claus, Christmas cookies, decorations and what not, but they aren't so important to me anymore.

There are many Advent reading plans out there but honestly, they were too intense for me. I can't commit to a reading everyday for a month. So I created a simple weekly plan. Every Sunday you get your family or friends together to read the passage, light the candle, say a prayer and sing a song. This could be done after dinner or right before bedtime. It's totally up to you. The point is for it to be simple but also keeping the hope of Christmas the main focus.

How to Celebrate 

Print out the attached booklet. You can print it by printing all the even pages first and then the flipping the pages and print the odd ones. Or if your printer is smart it might have the option to print double-sided and then staple the papers down the middle. There are more instructions in the booklet as to what other supplies you need. If you have any problems let me know. It took me forever to figure out how to make this booklet.

The first Sunday of Advent starts this coming Sunday, November 30th. I hope you will be filled with great joy as you celebrate.

DOWNLOAD BOOKLET

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year?

It sure doesn't seem like the most wonderful time of the year. With recent tragedies in our country I am reminded that for many people this is the most depressing time of the year. A time filled with grief, loss, heartbreak, and pain. And all around us we are bombarded with what we don't have.

I came face to face with this last year dealing with my father's death in the midst of the holidays. I couldn't stomach much Holiday music because I felt like they were all lies. It wasn't the Most Wonderful Time of the Year. I wasn't having a Holly Jolly Christmas. My days weren't Merry and Bright. And social media didn't help. Seeing people's awesome family vacations, family pictures, shopping adventures, and Holiday parties was all too much. Life was terrible, thanks for reminding me.

I say the word Holiday instead of Christmas because it was the superficial aspect of the Holidays that made me depressed, not Christ. When Christmas was about Christ and his coming to redeem what what broken, then I was hopeful.  I remember being in church during one of the Advent Sundays, pacing back and forth with Felicity in her Ergo carrier, and having tears well up in my eyes because Christmas had become real to me. Hope was birthed in me because I had tasted the bitterness of death. Christmas wasn't about being merry and bright because we're baking cookies, playing in the snow, and singing silly songs. Christmas is about hope. And with that hope in mind, I can enjoy the time spent family and friends eating good food, giving gifts, singing carols, and celebrating what Christmas means.

"A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices"

This was certainly true in my case. Never have I been more thankful that Christ had come to our world, born a baby, died on the cross, to conquer sin and death, and restore all that is lost.

"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.'"
Revelation 21:3-5

Felicity's Rustic Pumpkin Birthday

As always, I have these great plans for parties and eventually have to scale back because they get expensive really fast. And now with Pinterest and Etsy, my expectations of a good party are way to high. I mean, it's a one year old's party for goodness sake.

So the theme I decided on was a Rustic Pumpkin Party for our little pumpkin. I got the idea from the Hostess with the Mostess Blog. I obviously didn't have the resources to do the same kind of party they did, so I changed it up a bit.

 The great thing about this theme was that it was very easy to find supplies. My brilliant plan was to wait until after Halloween so get pumpkin supplies because I figured they would be on sale, and they were. It's just that, things became really hard to find the closer I got to her birthday. So it kind of worked but I think that next time, I will get a few things earlier. Another good thing was that I was hosting it in my home, so I could decorate a little at a time. I made some burlap banners that were up pretty much the two weeks before the party and a good month afterward.

For the food, I decided on a fall themed menu. I didn't want to go too crazy with the whole "pumpkin" theme with the food, so I chose fall inspired dishes. I probably should have scaled back the food a bit, but the Puerto Rican side of me didn't want to chance people going hungry. There were lots of leftovers and we were happy to give them away. For the cake, I went with pumpkin spice with cream cheese icing. Everything was delicious.

 It was a great party, with good friends and family, celebrating our little princess. I went into a coma afterwards, but it was a great party.

My husband just whipped this up

Burlap Banner with lace and pumpkin appliques

We put roses around the house to add a girlie touch

The pumpkins were actually cupcake toppers that I glued to lace

The table spread

Pumpkin Rice Krispie Treats

Mini Apple Pies

Autumn Trail Mix

Rose Smash Cake

Pumpkin Cupcakes

The Birthday Girl

She's passionate about cake

Happy Birthday Princess!

Food:
Smash Cake and Cupcakes - Princess Pea Cupcakery
Fall Fruit Salad
Mini Apple Pies
Pumpkin Rice Krispies
Fall Trail Mix
Pumpkin Hummus and Veggies
Roasted Vegetable Fall Pizza
Earth's Best Organic Pouches (Pumpkin/Cranberry/Apple & Butternut Squash/Pear)
Frozen mini corn dogs and pigs in a blanket

Drinks:
Apple Juice
Hot Apple Cider with Mulling Spices
Shock Top Pumpkin Wheat Beer

The Time has Come

November 5th has come and gone. The week leading up to it I was an emotional mess, crying all the time but also celebrating my daughter's first birthday. I was completely exhausted in every way. I didn't really have time to prepare myself for what I would be feeling. However, it was comforting just to be around my family. My brother and his family drove through the night on Saturday just so we all could be together. We haven't really grieved together as a family since it happened so it was necessary for our souls. 

Sunday night, some friends of my parents that live here in South Florida put together a worship night in my father's honor. It was a night to remember, grieve , heal and remind ourselves of the gospel.  The interesting thing is that it wasn't necessarily for my family. They would have done this even if we were unable to come. They missed him and wanted to come together to worship as he had taught them. That is very special. The people here have only known my father for 3 years but the stories they told and the way they spoke of him made it seem like they had known him for years. Together they made a scrap book full of stories and pictures of my dad and we are grateful. We thought he was a great man; it nice to know that others thought the same. 

 

This tragic day is bookended by two special days. Felicity's birthday on Nov. 2 and my nephew Augustin's birthday on Nov. 12. Since we were all together we did a little celebration with them and introduced them to their first Carvel ice cream cake (a Richardson staple). Right now, their birth is a painful reminder of my father's absence. I pray and hope that as the years pass my heart would be thankful for this timing and see it as an act of God's grace. We are so thankful for our cute crazy kids and wish that my father were here to enjoy them with us.

The little gang

... and August just destroyed it

Felicity was very careful

 

 

 

 At the end of the day, we met some of my mom's friends at the beach to send off paper lanterns in memory of my father. As I looked at the group gathered on the beach, I realized that I year ago I didn't know who most of them were. But as the year went on, these would be the people that have cared for my mom here in South Florida (and many others who are not local). They have welcomed her into their families and have truly loved her in a way that would honor my father. I was comforted to know that not only did these people love my father, they deeply loved my mom and were committed to her. 

 We have survived the first year. Now we choose to walk in faith trusting that God's plans are good and he still has a purpose for us.

Food Wars

Right now the most frustrating part of parenting is getting Liam to eat normal food. I am not writing as a mom that has any answers in this area, just the frustrations that I have and maybe you have too. Maybe if you've had success, you can share that. And by success I don't mean tell me that your child has always been a good water and here/s what you did (Felicity is that so far). I want to hear from those who have had picky eaters and how they turned it around. 

Liam hasn't always been a terrible eater. Up until his first birthday he would eat every thing. I never had any problems. Then he got a stomach bug and didn't want to eat for a couple of days. Them he got his first molars and refused some of his favorite foods. Since then, he hasn't worked his way back up to what he used to eat. 

I write this today because I tried to give him a piece of cheese and he lost his mind (resulted in a 30 minute time out). Besides a grilled cheese and a quesadilla, this boy hasn't had a piece of cheese in over a year. That's right, a year! He used to eat cheese everyday as a snack. In fact, that was one of his first words, "chees". Now, he won't even touch it. Here's a breakdown of his current eating habits:

Has never eaten - rice, mashed potatoes, broccoli, lettuce, ground meat

Used to eat, now won't - cheese, mac & cheese, pasta, peas, green beans, beans, tomatoes

Sometimes eats - chicken, lunch meat, eggs, oatmeal, meat, carrot 

Will always eat - fruit, pancakes, french toast, PB&J, pretzels, crackers, cookies, sweet potatoes, corn on the cob, yogurt

So you can see how challenging this is. Things are a lot better then six months ago, but we still have to pack a PB&J where ever we go just in case he won't eat what's there. How do we stop it? We've done the whole, "This is what's for dinner" thing, but we end up giving him something just so we don't have to wake up in the middle of the night with him cause he's hungry. 

Am I making a bigger deal of this than I need to? I just don't want a picky child. I remember picky children  growing up and I thought they were brats and their parents were push overs for letting them get away with it. But now on the other side, I sympathize with the parents cause sometimes you don't have the energy to fight it. And the way our life has been going lately has left me with very little energy to try. 

If you have any tips, share the wealth please.

The Long Awaited Birth Stories

I've been thinking of writing this post for some time, trying to figure out what to say. I actually already wrote Liam's birth story in detail but didn't publish it because I wanted to write Felicity's in the same post. After going back and forth, I decided not to share their full birth stories for a couple of reasons.

First, because I know the temptation for women to compare their stories with each other. I didn't read any when I was pregnant with Liam cause I didn't want to get freaked out, but I did read other stories when I was pregnant with Felicity. I found myself saying, "Please don't let mine be like hers" or "Please let it be just like hers". Guess what, I was disappointed when mine didn't go according to plan and envied everyone that had this perfect birth story. So for everyone's sake, I will share only what I think is beneficial.

Six Months Lost at Sea (Part 2)

Two days ago I described what life was like before my father passed, now I will fill you in on what it has been like since.

AFTER

We found ourselves completely lost at sea, struggling to stay above water. It seemed like every time we came up for air, there was another wave beating us down. We were physically worn out from Felicity's labor and the sleep deprivation that comes with caring for a newborn. There was no energy left for us to deal with what happened, but we had to. We needed to be with my mom, my brothers, make arrangements, and somehow care for our newborn girl. We were exhausted on all levels.

And this is how we lived for two months. We dropped our lives and just tried to hang on. We would spend a couple days at my moms and then a couple days back home. Back and forth, every week. I don't think we cooked a single meal, cleaned our apartment, or did any work. We were hanging on and  waiting for help to come. And it did come in small forms. Friends from church brought us food, watched our babies, Dylan's mom came to help out and we even had some friends give financial gifts so we could pay our bills. We were (and are) completely grateful for all those things, but the big rescue we were hoping for didn't come. We found ourselves still broke, sleep deprived, and feeling stuck. A few big opportunities for support fell through and left us in a really tough spot. After the new year our finances hit a critical low and we were faced with the decision if we were going to pay rent or our health insurance (never mind all the past medical bills from Felicity's birth). So rent it was.

Then God through us a life line. We found out that my dad had some insurance policy put in my name when Liam was born, but didn't tell anyone (just like him to do). This money covered the debt we had accumulated over the past couple of months and would help us to cover our future needs. It was very conflicting in our hearts to be excited to have money again when we knew what had to happen in order for us to get it. I remember weeping as I signed the check to deposit it to the bank thinking Why did this have to be the way you provide for us? Shortly after we decided that a good use of this money would be to take a trip to Salerno to 1. remind ourselves of the mission we are working towards and 2. spend time with dear friends who would be like aloe to our wounds (that sounds a little weirder that I hoped).

So last week we were in Salerno, without kids. We laughed, cried, stuffed our faces, slept (woohoo), and talked through life with some of our closest friends. It was exactly what we need. An escape from the craziness to focus on what was going on inside our hearts. And we realized is that we need help. We've been treading water for so long and what we need is a rescue chopper to come pull us out of the water so we can recover. We need God to do miracles in our hearts to believe him for good things again. My faith has been broken down to the basics and that's what I have been clinging to but I need God to give me the faith to believe in his character.

For the first time in a long time, I would say that I'm hopeful. Like Job, I am learning to say "Though he slay me, I will hope in him."

Six Months Lost at Sea (Part 1)

This is what life has felt like.

Six months ago, the unexpected happened. Our already shaky, unstable boat of life capsized with the unexpected passing of my father. And since then it has felt like we have been hanging on floating debris adrift at sea. (I'm sure this analogy is gonna break down somewhere, but just go with it).

BEFORE

What do I mean when I say our life was already shaky and unstable? Let me try to summarize what the last couple years of our lives have been.

Year 1 (of Marriage): Awesome. We were newlyweds, raising support to work in full-time ministry. We lived on Treasure Island, which was close to both of our families, and spent a lot of time together. Building our boat.

Year 2: We finally got to Miami and it was not at all what we expected. There was tension within our team, we felt overwhelmed with the workload, and we actually wanted to leave at the end of the year. But God told us to stay, so we did.
Set out to sea and tried to stay afloat.

Year 3: We got plugged into an amazing church and started to see little victories within our ministry. Meanwhile, our financial support started to drop, we were losing money and supporters left and right,  and we were receiving short paychecks. We had to take time off campus to focus on support. The year ended with us leading a short term missions trip with college students to Italy over the summer. When we came back from the trip we found out we were pregnant. 
Navigating through the rough waters.

Year 4: Things changed in our ministry and we found ourselves being the team leaders of a campus. It was a nice thought, but the reality was that we were ill-equipped for this role. Our support continued to sink even lower, sometimes not getting any paychecks at all. As we were awaiting our arrival of our son, we started reconsidering if this is where God wanted us. Dylan pursued other possible jobs, but in the end they all fell through and we found ourselves having to leave the ministry and our church in Miami. Our son was born (with colic) in the midst of all this uncertainty. Dylan and I were exhausted with our life.
Rocky waters started to steer us off course.

Year 5: We moved to Orlando with Cru to spend a year healing and considering other possibilities within the ministry. Really the main motivation was that our rent was free, so that was one expense we didn't have to come up with. Our time in Orlando was sweet. We were reunited with most of our friends from college and we felt truly cared for by the leaders in Cru. Half-way through the year we were thinking that we were going to leave full-time ministry, get normal jobs, and move back to Miami. After doing some self-assessment tests, we began to doubt whether that was the direction we wanted to go and began praying about other options. That lead us to joining our friends in planting Salerno City Church. Believe me, that wasn't the easy option. We knew that it was going to require so much from us: get our current supporters to catch the vision and make the switch with us, raise the support we had lost over the years, figure out where to live in the mean time, break the news to our families, and (as we found out in the process) get ready for the birth of our daughter that was due in November. After our time in Orlando with Cru ended, we moved into Dylan's parents house for the summer so we could cut out some expenses while we raised support there.
The (somewhat) calm before the storm. 

First Half of Year 6: I just started my third trimester. Our plan was to move back to Miami so I could give birth with the same doctors, Dylan could be mentored by our pastor, we could be close to my family, and so we could raise support. The move date kept being pushed back because we didn't have the money to commit, and my nesting instincts were really kicking in because I didn't have a home for my soon-to-be born baby girl. Five weeks from my due date, we scrounged enough money to make the move. Two days before we moved my father slipped and fell and tore his hamstring. This required surgery and he was pretty much confined to his recliner for the next couple of weeks. So, that meant that every Saturday we went up to spend time with them but once we were a week out from the due date we stayed close to home cause we didn't want to risk getting caught in Miami traffic. Our financial situation was in crisis and there was no way that we were going to meet all of our needs. 5 days away from giving birth I lost it. We were broke, about to have another baby, in the middle of a huge career transition and I saw no way out. Then a couple days later, after 40 hours of labor, Felicity decided to join us. We were not home from the hospital all but 16 hours when my father passed six months ago today.
Storm came. Boat capsized. 


...and that was only the "Before"

The Sweetness of the Resurrection

This past week has had me thinking a lot about my dad. As a music pastor, Easter was always a big day for him. There were musicals, plays, concerts, outreaches, baptisms, and multiple services. Amidst the ping of sadness of celebrating this first Easter without him, God (in his graciousness) has revealed the joy that I can find in this day.

^"16For if the dead are not raised, not even Christ has been raised; ¹⁷and if Christ has not been raised your faith is worthless; you are still in your sins. ¹⁸Then those also who have fallen asleep in Christ have perished...²⁰But now Christ has been raised from the dead, the first fruits of those who are asleep." 1 Corinthians 15:16-18;20

^"13 Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. ¹⁴ For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. ¹⁵ According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. ¹⁶ For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. ¹⁷ After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. ¹⁸ Therefore encourage one another with these words." 1 Thess 4:13-18

"Multitudes who sleep in the dust of the earth will awake….[They]… will shine like the brightness of the heavens, and those who lead many to righteousness, like the stars for ever and ever." Daniel 12:2-3

"Resurrection means the restoration to us of the life we lost. New heavens and new earth means this body, this world! Our bodies, our homes, our loved ones—restored, returned, perfected and beautified! Given back to us!" -Tim Keller

Thank you Lord for dying for my sins and bearing the wrath of God on the Cross. Thank you for your resurrection and gift of eternal life. Thank you for my faith and the faith of my father, that I can look with eager expectation for your coming again, because we will be together again.

^"55 O DEATH, WHERE IS YOUR VICTORY? O DEATH, WHERE IS YOUR STING?” ⁵⁶ The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law; ⁵⁷ but thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." 1 Corinthians 15:55-57

This is the sweetness of the resurrection.

Dreaming of You

I am a pretty frequent dreamer. When I was younger, I used to write down all my dreams in a journal because I didn't want to forget them. They seemed so vivid and real. As I've gotten older they still are that way, just now a mix of good and bad dreams.

Since my father's passing, I have dreamt about him a lot. Each dream has been different. Sometimes it's a continuation of life, sometimes it's in the past, and sometimes it's this alternate reality where I know he already passed but somehow he's still here. Last night was one of the latter.

It was sometime within this first year of his passing and he came back. We all knew that he was gone and were really confused with his presence. He told us that once a year he would come back and be with us for a day but then he would be gone again. So we made the most of the day, filling him in on what had been happening since he left. When the day came to an end, I went and gathered my brothers and mother so they could say goodbye. His body started to fade like a ghost and I remember feeling so sad that he had to leave, begging him to stay. Then he was gone. The next day I sat down with my mom and her friend reminiscing about the day and they had no idea what I was talking about. They assured me that I had dreamt it all. I tried recounting the day with stories and pictures, but they kept saying "no". With every "no" I sobbed harder and harder as I continued to convince them that it happened. I couldn't have made all this up. He was really here. But apparently he wasn't.

Then I really woke up. This isn't the first inception dream I've had (a dream within a dream), but this definitely was the most emotional. While I was dreaming I felt both the joy and pain of realizing that it was real. I've had mixed emotions about dreaming of my dad. On one hand it is nice to have a place where we both exist together, but on the other hand it sucks to wake up and realize that it's not in this life. There's joy in seeing his face but pain knowing that it's not real.

Until we meet again...

Liam's No Good Very Bad Day

Where to start. Yesterday Liam just fell apart on us. To start off, he woke up at 5:45 am. We know that he as been teething so he's been more fussy than usual. Yesterday was Evan's Birthday so we drove up to my mom's to spend a couple of days with them. When we got to their place it was around Liam's nap time, but he wouldn't go down without a fight. He cried and cried as we tried to put him down. Finally my mom and I just put him down (still crying) and walked out of the room. We just closed the door when we heard a thud followed by more crying. Sure enough, Liam had jumped out of his pack-n-play and hit his head on the floor. I stayed in the room with him for an hour trying to calm him down and put him back to sleep but no avail. So, he just didn't have a nap that day. Later that evening he started getting delirious and was playing on the couch, jumping up and sliding off. Well, that ended with a face plant to floor and a minor bloody nose and busted lip. He wailed and wailed once again for bedtime and we just left him in there. Eventually he stopped crying and fell asleep (waking up a few time). When 2:30 am rolled around and Dylan and I were trading off Felicity duty, Liam woke up screaming with a full on bloody nose. Dylan cleaned him up and put him back to bed. Then again at 6:30 Liam woke up with another bloody nose. He looked like he got in a bar fight.

I wish that was the end of his drama but that just happened in a 24 hour period.

The saga continues.

Not According to Plan

This isn't the post I thought I would be writing following my daughter's birth (I will write her birth story later). Two weeks ago, after nearly 40 hours of labor, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl naturally. And I thought that that was the big obstacle God was calling me to overcome. Little did I know there was more in store. I was discharged from the hospital around noon on Friday and Saturday morning I was awoken to the worst news of my life. My father had suddenly died. I was stunned, shocked, and heartbroken. So with my 3 day old baby in my hands I began my journey of grief.

There is so much to say about what has happened over the last two weeks, so many different emotions. I still don't know how to balance the joy I feel over having this beautiful little girl with the sorrow I feel knowing that I won't have any new memories of my father.

I hate:
- That my mother is widow and will have to live the next 20-30 years without my dad
- That my father was hours away from meeting my daughter (they were supposed to visit that Saturday)
- That this happened before the holidays
- That Liam won't remember who he is
- That Felicity will always be a visual reminder for how long he's been gone
- That we don't have any family here so Dylan and I are taking on a lot more responsibility than we have energy for
- that this all happened because he slipped on a rainy day

I don't know what God's big plan is and I don't really see how any of this is supposed to be better for me. How is the death of my father supposed to be better? So far it has just caused an overwhelming sense of responsibility to make sure my mom is taken care of and that my brother Evan gets his life together. The statement that keeps playing over in my head is, If God is sovereign over my dad's death then He is sovereign over my (or insert name's) life. The faith that it takes for me to believe he was in control of what happened to my dad is the same faith that it takes for me to believe he's in control of what happens next. Right now my faith isn't strong. I don't know how we're gonna make it. I just want to close my eyes and fast forward to the time when life is enjoyable again.

Feeding a Picky Toddler

Liam wasn't always a picky eater but the last 7 months have been pretty tough to get him to eat good things. What used to be one of his favorite food, Mac and Cheese, he will not even touch now. No pasta or rice. He doesn't even like milk. If he had his way, he would be eating fruit and carbs for every meal. So it's been a challenge to get him to eat protein, veggies, and dairy. In the last couple of days he has started to eat cheese again. He will try orange veggies, but green veggies, no way. And as far as meat goes, it just depends on what kind of mood he's in.

I kind of have been driving myself crazy trying to get him to eat a balanced diet. The main thing that was working was making him a smoothie in the morning. I would put milk, yogurt, frozen fruit, and spinach in it. That way I knew he got some calcium, protein, and veggies right from the start. Unfortunately Liam broke our blender last week, so there have been no smoothies. For other meals, it's like I have to trick him to get him to eat. Most of the time it just leaves me feeling defeated and him in tears. Searching for any kind of help online, I found an article from Dr. Sears website titled 17 Tips For Pleasing the Picky Eater . This has changed my whole approach. I can honestly say that I haven't been stressed out about it. He has been eating more real food and less snacks or organic baby food pouches. I made this card of some of the tips that I want to put into effect and have placed it on my refrigerator as a reminder.


I just need to relax and trust that he will let us know if he's hungry and as long as we commit to only offering foods that our good for him, he will be alright.


Now, we need to tackle the whole "discipline" thing.

Back in Miami

Since I last blogged we have moved back to Miami. To make a long story short, we moved back for a couple of reasons. 1. To have a baby in a familiar place 2. To be close to my parents 3. For Dylan to get some mentoring. If you don't know, we are planning on moving to Italy in March to help plant a church. For us, this seemed like the best move for us to help prepare our family. We have been here for a week already and still have some work to do to get fully settled. Did I mention that I am due to have a baby in four weeks. FOUR WEEKS!!! Now that the move is over I actually can spend some brain power thinking about this baby. I've been moved around so much that I don't really feel prepared. Thank goodness I just had a baby and everything is still fresh.

I'm happy we are here, but that just means that things are about to get crazy real quick.

Feminine Appeal - Chapter 2

At the moment I am crawling my way through three books and one of them is Carolyn Mahaney's Feminine Appeal. I'm only on the second chapter and I've enjoyed it already. Basically she is going through Titus chapter 2 and the charge for older women to teach younger women. Chapter 2 of the book is called "The Delight of Loving my Husband". She talks about the way that Paul encourages the older women to train the younger women how to love their husbands in Titus 2:4. The word for love that Paul uses here is the agape love that we are used to but the phileo love. This love is an affectionate compassionate love. So often as women it is easy for us to love our husbands in the agape way - sacrificially, but hard for us to love them with phileo love. Some great words of wisdom from the chapter are:

"In fact, women will often continue to sacrifice and serve their husbands even is all the tender feelings for them have subsided. Author Douglas Wilson makes this observation: 'Women are fully capable of loving a man, and sacrificing for him, while believing the entire time that he is a true unvarnished jerk. Women are good at this kind of love.'" Yikes! I often use this to justify my attitude. I can clean and wash clothes totally pissed off and think Well I'm still serving you and fulfilling my role, what are YOU doing.

"Where sin is present, warm affection dissipates. Anger, bitterness, criticism, pride, selfishness, fear, laziness -- all vigorously oppose tender love. This love cannot survive in a heart that harbors sin." You can't muster up the feelings you need to love your husband affectionately. If there is bitterness in your heart it will always seem just like a chore

"... we were created to be our husband's helper not our children's mother. Certainly we are to love, care for, and nurture our children, but this love is to flow out of a lifestyle that is first and foremost committed to helping our husbands. Our husbands should always remain first in our hearts and in our care." This is a tough one to swallow but I believe it is true. Many husbands suffer because their wives have made their kids the number one priority and have left them (the husbands) high and dry.

So far, so good. I'm excited to see what the rest of the books hold

Arts and Crafts Day

Liam and I attempted some arts and crafts today. Needless to say it didn't go as planned. I bought him some new Toy Story paper and a set of watercolors. We sat down and all he wanted to do was dip the paintbrush in the water. So I thought maybe I should make some finger paint. I mixed yogurt with some food coloring in a little pallet and immediately when I set it on the table Liam stuck his finger in it and ate it. He didn't even hesitate. Finger painting quickly turned into paint eating. Maybe he's not ready for all this, but he had a good time.

The Tough Transition into Motherhood

Last week I spent sometime evaluating different areas of my life and was really disappointed to find that I'm not doing so well. Once Liam came, life stopped and I hoped at this point I would be back to the familiar me, but I'm not. My life isn't much different than it was one year ago. The only area that I can see growth is in my mothering skills. Everything else, like my relationship with God, time with friends, doing things that refresh me, managing my home, etc., has taken a major downturn. It's like I don't know how to be me in this new role as a mother and keep up with all these other areas in life. I mean, I good day for me is Liam eating and sleeping well, beyond that, I make no promises. At this point I was hoping to be thriving again, having a deep relationship with God, enjoying my family, spending great time with friends, being healthy and taking care of my body, and having a clean home. I don't know how to merge what was true of my life before into this new role as a mother. It's not that I have high expectations on what my life should look like, I just don't know how to put it all together. I've been in survival mode for over a year now and I don't know how to move on to a more sustainable life.

1 Year Down

This was the scenario a year ago:
I went to bed on March 25th at 12am. At 3 am I started feeling my first contractions. After about 3 hours of rotating from our bed, to Liam's floor, to the shower, I finally woke Dylan up and told him that I thought today was the day. Actually I cried telling him, because I was so scared that it was actually happening. Then after a crazy day Liam was born at 5:05pm.

It is only by the grace of God that we survived this first year. In a way it feels like a blur but in another way it feels like soooo much has happened. There are so many people to thank for helping us get through this year. First off, my amazing husband. He has been the biggest blessing in my life. It's kind of like soldiers that have been at war together. They have this special bond because only they know exactly what it's like to go through what they went through. Only Dylan knows how hard it was those first couple of months and he was a trooper. Then there are our parents. They came to the rescue whenever we needed help. We were actually able to get out of the house because of them. They cleaned, fed us, and loved Liam well. We had lots of help and fun from siblings, our church, college friends, and crusade staff.

It's been a year of ups and downs, but we made it.

Happy Birthday Little Buddy! You make our world a brighter place