It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year?

It sure doesn't seem like the most wonderful time of the year. With recent tragedies in our country I am reminded that for many people this is the most depressing time of the year. A time filled with grief, loss, heartbreak, and pain. And all around us we are bombarded with what we don't have.

I came face to face with this last year dealing with my father's death in the midst of the holidays. I couldn't stomach much Holiday music because I felt like they were all lies. It wasn't the Most Wonderful Time of the Year. I wasn't having a Holly Jolly Christmas. My days weren't Merry and Bright. And social media didn't help. Seeing people's awesome family vacations, family pictures, shopping adventures, and Holiday parties was all too much. Life was terrible, thanks for reminding me.

I say the word Holiday instead of Christmas because it was the superficial aspect of the Holidays that made me depressed, not Christ. When Christmas was about Christ and his coming to redeem what what broken, then I was hopeful.  I remember being in church during one of the Advent Sundays, pacing back and forth with Felicity in her Ergo carrier, and having tears well up in my eyes because Christmas had become real to me. Hope was birthed in me because I had tasted the bitterness of death. Christmas wasn't about being merry and bright because we're baking cookies, playing in the snow, and singing silly songs. Christmas is about hope. And with that hope in mind, I can enjoy the time spent family and friends eating good food, giving gifts, singing carols, and celebrating what Christmas means.

"A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices"

This was certainly true in my case. Never have I been more thankful that Christ had come to our world, born a baby, died on the cross, to conquer sin and death, and restore all that is lost.

"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.'"
Revelation 21:3-5

Gifts for Moms

I meant to write this post a while ago and had planned for it to look all awesome with pictures but, as my friend Sweet Brown would say, "Ain't nobody got time for that!" Now I realize that not everything I say is going to be applicable to all women. You know the moms in your life and their personal preferences. I'm just saying that, at least for myself, these are always good gifts anytime of the year.

1. Gift Cards to Specific Stores
Do not get a mom a gift card to Target or a Visa gift card. She WILL use that money on groceries and diapers. Instead, choose a specific store where she can only spend it on herself. Victoria Secret is a great one because moms never buy themselves good underwear.

2. Bath and Body Treats
You can never have enough bubble bath, hand soaps, or lotion. I'm always happy when someone buys me stuff but that also depends on the fragrance. If you don't know what their preference is (flowery or fruity) stick to the basics, vanilla or lavender.

3. Candles
No one wants to spend $10 on a candle, but we love when someone else buys them for us.

4. Pamper Her
Consider giving her a gift certificate to pampering services. Maybe a trip to the spa, a mani-pedi, or even a hair cut. It's hard to make time for these things, so maybe you could also offer to watch the kids while she goes and does these things.

5. Make Up
I don't know the last time I bought make up besides eyeliner and mascara. Everything else has been given to me. And it doesn't matter how small it is, I'm just as excited. Splurge and buy her something from a department store instead of the pharmacy store.

6. Stationary
Note cards, journals, and note pads are all great gifts. Anthropologie has some great ones or you could order some personalized sets online through many different companies.

7. Annual Passes for Kids
This might not seem like a gift for mom, but there are many days when I just wanted to take my kids somewhere to get out of the house. Passes to indoor playgrounds are a life saver for rainy days. Zoo passes are awesome when the weather is nice. If you REALLY want to splurge, Disney passes are where it's at.

8. Free babysitting
I think this is an obvious one. Babysitting is expensive and when we can get it for free, it's awesome. Instead of leaving all the initiating up to them by saying, "If you need a babysitter, let us know" take the initiative. Recently we had friends that just approached us and said, "We want to babysit for you this Saturday night, so make plans." We were forced to go out and we didn't have to do anything.

9. Pinterest Insipred
If you're thinking how broke you are to give any of these gifts, look to pinterest. Maybe you are crafty or are great in the kitchen and can make things. You could even stalk their Pinterest page and see what things they like and make them. I think you would have to know the person and whether or not they like making the crafts or would just like to have them. Instead of stealing their joy in making things, you could provide all the supplies needed. Kitchen gifts are great cheap ideas. Maybe homemade cookies, a spice rub, or jam.

10. Photo Gifts
No one prints out photos anymore so you could do a lot with this. Print and frame a picture, make a photo book, or a family calendar. I don't have a digital frame but maybe that could be a good idea.

*New 11. Magazine Subscriptions
I don't know how I forgot this. Two years ago Dylan got me year subscriptions to Martha Stewart Living and Rachael Ray for Christmas. It was great. I loved that it lasted all year long. There are so many options of magazines to fit everyone's taste. People - for everyday popular stories. Martha Stewart Living - amazing recipes and crafts. Relevant - faith an culture. Parenting - tips and resources. The great thing is that you can get subscriptions through amazon.com so they are good last minute gifts. Just buy them the recent copy and tell them the rest are on their way.
 


Again, these are my go to gifts that are good anytime of year but especially applicable for Christmas. Do you have any that you would add?

 

Felicity's Rustic Pumpkin Birthday

As always, I have these great plans for parties and eventually have to scale back because they get expensive really fast. And now with Pinterest and Etsy, my expectations of a good party are way to high. I mean, it's a one year old's party for goodness sake.

So the theme I decided on was a Rustic Pumpkin Party for our little pumpkin. I got the idea from the Hostess with the Mostess Blog. I obviously didn't have the resources to do the same kind of party they did, so I changed it up a bit.

 The great thing about this theme was that it was very easy to find supplies. My brilliant plan was to wait until after Halloween so get pumpkin supplies because I figured they would be on sale, and they were. It's just that, things became really hard to find the closer I got to her birthday. So it kind of worked but I think that next time, I will get a few things earlier. Another good thing was that I was hosting it in my home, so I could decorate a little at a time. I made some burlap banners that were up pretty much the two weeks before the party and a good month afterward.

For the food, I decided on a fall themed menu. I didn't want to go too crazy with the whole "pumpkin" theme with the food, so I chose fall inspired dishes. I probably should have scaled back the food a bit, but the Puerto Rican side of me didn't want to chance people going hungry. There were lots of leftovers and we were happy to give them away. For the cake, I went with pumpkin spice with cream cheese icing. Everything was delicious.

 It was a great party, with good friends and family, celebrating our little princess. I went into a coma afterwards, but it was a great party.

My husband just whipped this up

Burlap Banner with lace and pumpkin appliques

We put roses around the house to add a girlie touch

The pumpkins were actually cupcake toppers that I glued to lace

The table spread

Pumpkin Rice Krispie Treats

Mini Apple Pies

Autumn Trail Mix

Rose Smash Cake

Pumpkin Cupcakes

The Birthday Girl

She's passionate about cake

Happy Birthday Princess!

Food:
Smash Cake and Cupcakes - Princess Pea Cupcakery
Fall Fruit Salad
Mini Apple Pies
Pumpkin Rice Krispies
Fall Trail Mix
Pumpkin Hummus and Veggies
Roasted Vegetable Fall Pizza
Earth's Best Organic Pouches (Pumpkin/Cranberry/Apple & Butternut Squash/Pear)
Frozen mini corn dogs and pigs in a blanket

Drinks:
Apple Juice
Hot Apple Cider with Mulling Spices
Shock Top Pumpkin Wheat Beer

Nut-Free Fall Trail Mix

There are a lot of different trail mix recipes out there. For my daughter's birthday I tried to find one that was more allergy friendly since we have some friends with allergies. After much searching, I couldn't find one that I loved so instead I came up with my own. It isn't completely allergy free, but I think if you avoid eating certain elements, it could work. I tried to avoid nuts and gluten mostly. You can always adapt it to fit your own likings.

Nut-Free Trail Mix
4 Cups Chocolate Chex Mix
4 Cups Kettle Corn
4 Cups Tiny twist Pretzels (omit for wheat allergy)
1 bag of Autumn Mix honey candy
2 cups Fall M&Ms or Reeses Pieces (omit for milk, or substitute with dairy free chocolate chips)

*optional (if you have to omit lots of things):
2 cups miniature marshmallows, or two bags of Dandies Marshmallow
2 cups of Bugles or another gluten free snack

The Time has Come

November 5th has come and gone. The week leading up to it I was an emotional mess, crying all the time but also celebrating my daughter's first birthday. I was completely exhausted in every way. I didn't really have time to prepare myself for what I would be feeling. However, it was comforting just to be around my family. My brother and his family drove through the night on Saturday just so we all could be together. We haven't really grieved together as a family since it happened so it was necessary for our souls. 

Sunday night, some friends of my parents that live here in South Florida put together a worship night in my father's honor. It was a night to remember, grieve , heal and remind ourselves of the gospel.  The interesting thing is that it wasn't necessarily for my family. They would have done this even if we were unable to come. They missed him and wanted to come together to worship as he had taught them. That is very special. The people here have only known my father for 3 years but the stories they told and the way they spoke of him made it seem like they had known him for years. Together they made a scrap book full of stories and pictures of my dad and we are grateful. We thought he was a great man; it nice to know that others thought the same. 

 

This tragic day is bookended by two special days. Felicity's birthday on Nov. 2 and my nephew Augustin's birthday on Nov. 12. Since we were all together we did a little celebration with them and introduced them to their first Carvel ice cream cake (a Richardson staple). Right now, their birth is a painful reminder of my father's absence. I pray and hope that as the years pass my heart would be thankful for this timing and see it as an act of God's grace. We are so thankful for our cute crazy kids and wish that my father were here to enjoy them with us.

The little gang

... and August just destroyed it

Felicity was very careful

 

 

 

 At the end of the day, we met some of my mom's friends at the beach to send off paper lanterns in memory of my father. As I looked at the group gathered on the beach, I realized that I year ago I didn't know who most of them were. But as the year went on, these would be the people that have cared for my mom here in South Florida (and many others who are not local). They have welcomed her into their families and have truly loved her in a way that would honor my father. I was comforted to know that not only did these people love my father, they deeply loved my mom and were committed to her. 

 We have survived the first year. Now we choose to walk in faith trusting that God's plans are good and he still has a purpose for us.

Preparing for the Last "First"

It's hard to put into words the things that have been going around in my head as we near the one year mark of my father's passing. Everyday I think of what I was doing last year at this time and how different I thought our life was going to be. I thought we would be living in Salerno with our best friends, learning Italian, making friends with the locals, and gearing up for our parents to visit us. But that is not how the story went. 

All my mental energy has been focused on Halloween costumes and getting ready for Felicity's first birthday. Which has been both good and bad. I have had something to look forward to, but haven't made the time to grieve. I feel like it just snuck up on me and all of a sudden it's here. After Felicity's birthday there is only one more "first" to walk through. The end of the first year without my dad. This makes it so real to me. That THIS is going to be the new normal. It's so heartbreaking for life to go on without him and that soon it will be normal for him not to be here. I don't even want to know what that feels like. 

What I recently learned is this: God used the birth of my daughter to prepare me for what was to come. My labor with Felicity was long and the most physical pain I have ever felt. It literally felt like torture. My body was torturing me and there was nothing I could do about it. A couple days before the birth, I wrote in my journal that I was stressed about our finances and didn't think that I was going to be able to do this birth because I had reached the end of my rope. I felt defeated. But when the time came, God gave me the strength and the support from others to endure the pain and in the end a beautiful girl was born. I learned then that great pain can lead to great joy. Little did I know that the real test of my faith was going to be three days later. By His strength and the support of others, I have been able to walk through this pain and see that in the end, it will be beautiful. It's not now, but one day it will be.

Felicity was God's gracious reminder that pain can lead to joy. The pain of my father's death was, and is, still great, but because of God's grace, I can now joyfully and eagerly anticipate the redemption of all that is broken, and eternity spent with Him. 

Too busy to Blog

I've been a little absent from the blogging world lately mostly because I am too busy. Right now at the moment there is a toddler (who didn't nap) sitting next to me demanding that I do the "Iron Man hand" to him and a little girl (who is supposed to be napping) crying in the distance. This is my life. Who has time to blog? Friday I tried to write one email and it took literally one hour to finish it. Every thought is constantly interrupted. I've had way too many things going on to have time to do this. And the annoying thing is that I put pressure on myself for not blogging.

There are so many great bloggers out there and I wonder where they find the time to do this. Between the moving, cooking, cleaning, dirty diapers, nap schedules, time outs, and grocery shopping, there is no time for blogging. The only time I have for myself during the day is at night once the kids go to sleep but most nights I'm completely tired of thinking and just want to veg out.

I originally started blogging because I was a new mom, alone at home, with no one to talk to and share my thoughts. So maybe it's a good thing that I'm not blogging more frequently because it means that I actually have a life and friends to talk to. But I am still an internal processor and constantly have things running in my head so this is a good release for me.



And that's all the time I have for now...

Food Wars

Right now the most frustrating part of parenting is getting Liam to eat normal food. I am not writing as a mom that has any answers in this area, just the frustrations that I have and maybe you have too. Maybe if you've had success, you can share that. And by success I don't mean tell me that your child has always been a good water and here/s what you did (Felicity is that so far). I want to hear from those who have had picky eaters and how they turned it around. 

Liam hasn't always been a terrible eater. Up until his first birthday he would eat every thing. I never had any problems. Then he got a stomach bug and didn't want to eat for a couple of days. Them he got his first molars and refused some of his favorite foods. Since then, he hasn't worked his way back up to what he used to eat. 

I write this today because I tried to give him a piece of cheese and he lost his mind (resulted in a 30 minute time out). Besides a grilled cheese and a quesadilla, this boy hasn't had a piece of cheese in over a year. That's right, a year! He used to eat cheese everyday as a snack. In fact, that was one of his first words, "chees". Now, he won't even touch it. Here's a breakdown of his current eating habits:

Has never eaten - rice, mashed potatoes, broccoli, lettuce, ground meat

Used to eat, now won't - cheese, mac & cheese, pasta, peas, green beans, beans, tomatoes

Sometimes eats - chicken, lunch meat, eggs, oatmeal, meat, carrot 

Will always eat - fruit, pancakes, french toast, PB&J, pretzels, crackers, cookies, sweet potatoes, corn on the cob, yogurt

So you can see how challenging this is. Things are a lot better then six months ago, but we still have to pack a PB&J where ever we go just in case he won't eat what's there. How do we stop it? We've done the whole, "This is what's for dinner" thing, but we end up giving him something just so we don't have to wake up in the middle of the night with him cause he's hungry. 

Am I making a bigger deal of this than I need to? I just don't want a picky child. I remember picky children  growing up and I thought they were brats and their parents were push overs for letting them get away with it. But now on the other side, I sympathize with the parents cause sometimes you don't have the energy to fight it. And the way our life has been going lately has left me with very little energy to try. 

If you have any tips, share the wealth please.

The Long Awaited Birth Stories

I've been thinking of writing this post for some time, trying to figure out what to say. I actually already wrote Liam's birth story in detail but didn't publish it because I wanted to write Felicity's in the same post. After going back and forth, I decided not to share their full birth stories for a couple of reasons.

First, because I know the temptation for women to compare their stories with each other. I didn't read any when I was pregnant with Liam cause I didn't want to get freaked out, but I did read other stories when I was pregnant with Felicity. I found myself saying, "Please don't let mine be like hers" or "Please let it be just like hers". Guess what, I was disappointed when mine didn't go according to plan and envied everyone that had this perfect birth story. So for everyone's sake, I will share only what I think is beneficial.

Christmas in June

Liam and his Christmas Palm Tree

 We are officially six months away from Christmas. Monday was June 25th, and to celebrate the day Liam and I celebrated "Christmas in June". *FYI, no spiritual undertones, just silliness. It kind of came to me the day of when I put Felicity down for her morning nap and Liam was taking a self-initiated time out in his room. I wish I would have thought of it soon, cause I would have planned better. Oh well. We worked with what we had.

I tried to find some Christmas clothes to put him in but everything was long sleeved, so we went with a red and green tie-dyed shirt from his Tia Hannah. Next year I think I will have to make some kind of Christmas shirt or tank for them.  We created a Christmas palm tree from some brown paper bags I found laying around. Liam painted the star ornaments and I painted the trunk and the leaves.

While it dried, we watched Frosty the Snowman with our snowman ornament and cut out some snowflakes. Liam really has no idea who Santa Claus is. It's all about snowmen to him.

Watching Frosty

I couldn't think of anything fun to do for dinner, so we had breakfast for dinner but the main event was Liam's first hot chocolate. Well, it was really luke warm, but it still counts. He was really into the whipped cream and asked me to refill it about four times. I'll say it was a hit.

The main event

The Darkest of Seasons

On Sunday we received terrible news that our friends precious nine month old daughter suddenly passed away. As I write this, my heart is overcome with grief for them. I think once you experience grief, it's very easy to go back to that place. A place of great sorrow where your heart is literally aching and it is hard to find joy in anything. (Before I continue, I want to make it perfectly clear that I am not taking their loss and making it about me. What they are experiencing is devastating, it just brings back all these emotions I had when my father passed and that I am still working through). Now I am flooded with feelings from their loss, the loss of my father, and every other loss in between. It seems like everywhere I turn there is tragedy. This has been a dark season of life, not just for me, but for those around me as well.

I don't understand why this is. Why is it just one terrible thing after another? And not just any terrible thing, but the worst thing, death. In Ecclesiastes 3 it says that there is a season for everything, "a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance." This season of weeping and mourning has lasted way too long. When can we laugh and dance again without the pain of great loss looming over us? I don't think we fully can outside of heaven. I'm sure over time the pain lessons, but the sorrow is still there. 

Summer Ribbon Salad

On a lighter note...

I love summertime produce. Everything is so refreshing, delicious, and cheap. When you buy these things out of season it can get really expensive, but now is the time to buy zucchini, mango, avocado, and corn. I remember in the fall I went to buy corn on the cob and it was like $4 for 4 cobs. This week, I got 10 corn cobs for $3. So I stocked up. And most places you can get 10 mango or avocado for $10.

After reading a few recipes, I was inspired to make something light and yummy. This is pretty much a mashup of my favorite ones, so here goes my best attempt at creating a recipe out of something I did on a whim.



Summer Ribbon Salad
(serves 4ish)

Salad:
2 medium sized zucchini, cut with a potato peeler into ribbons
1 cucumber, ribboned
2 grilled corn cobs, with corn cut off
1 avocado, diced
1 pint grape tomatoes, halved
1/2 red onion, sliced thinly
1 champagne mango (it was in season), used for garnish but you can put it in the salad

Dressing
(I really have no idea the measurements, I just made it up as I went along)
1/4 cup olive oil
juice of one lime
2 Tbsp red wine vinegar

Six Months Lost at Sea (Part 2)

Two days ago I described what life was like before my father passed, now I will fill you in on what it has been like since.

AFTER

We found ourselves completely lost at sea, struggling to stay above water. It seemed like every time we came up for air, there was another wave beating us down. We were physically worn out from Felicity's labor and the sleep deprivation that comes with caring for a newborn. There was no energy left for us to deal with what happened, but we had to. We needed to be with my mom, my brothers, make arrangements, and somehow care for our newborn girl. We were exhausted on all levels.

And this is how we lived for two months. We dropped our lives and just tried to hang on. We would spend a couple days at my moms and then a couple days back home. Back and forth, every week. I don't think we cooked a single meal, cleaned our apartment, or did any work. We were hanging on and  waiting for help to come. And it did come in small forms. Friends from church brought us food, watched our babies, Dylan's mom came to help out and we even had some friends give financial gifts so we could pay our bills. We were (and are) completely grateful for all those things, but the big rescue we were hoping for didn't come. We found ourselves still broke, sleep deprived, and feeling stuck. A few big opportunities for support fell through and left us in a really tough spot. After the new year our finances hit a critical low and we were faced with the decision if we were going to pay rent or our health insurance (never mind all the past medical bills from Felicity's birth). So rent it was.

Then God through us a life line. We found out that my dad had some insurance policy put in my name when Liam was born, but didn't tell anyone (just like him to do). This money covered the debt we had accumulated over the past couple of months and would help us to cover our future needs. It was very conflicting in our hearts to be excited to have money again when we knew what had to happen in order for us to get it. I remember weeping as I signed the check to deposit it to the bank thinking Why did this have to be the way you provide for us? Shortly after we decided that a good use of this money would be to take a trip to Salerno to 1. remind ourselves of the mission we are working towards and 2. spend time with dear friends who would be like aloe to our wounds (that sounds a little weirder that I hoped).

So last week we were in Salerno, without kids. We laughed, cried, stuffed our faces, slept (woohoo), and talked through life with some of our closest friends. It was exactly what we need. An escape from the craziness to focus on what was going on inside our hearts. And we realized is that we need help. We've been treading water for so long and what we need is a rescue chopper to come pull us out of the water so we can recover. We need God to do miracles in our hearts to believe him for good things again. My faith has been broken down to the basics and that's what I have been clinging to but I need God to give me the faith to believe in his character.

For the first time in a long time, I would say that I'm hopeful. Like Job, I am learning to say "Though he slay me, I will hope in him."

Six Months Lost at Sea (Part 1)

This is what life has felt like.

Six months ago, the unexpected happened. Our already shaky, unstable boat of life capsized with the unexpected passing of my father. And since then it has felt like we have been hanging on floating debris adrift at sea. (I'm sure this analogy is gonna break down somewhere, but just go with it).

BEFORE

What do I mean when I say our life was already shaky and unstable? Let me try to summarize what the last couple years of our lives have been.

Year 1 (of Marriage): Awesome. We were newlyweds, raising support to work in full-time ministry. We lived on Treasure Island, which was close to both of our families, and spent a lot of time together. Building our boat.

Year 2: We finally got to Miami and it was not at all what we expected. There was tension within our team, we felt overwhelmed with the workload, and we actually wanted to leave at the end of the year. But God told us to stay, so we did.
Set out to sea and tried to stay afloat.

Year 3: We got plugged into an amazing church and started to see little victories within our ministry. Meanwhile, our financial support started to drop, we were losing money and supporters left and right,  and we were receiving short paychecks. We had to take time off campus to focus on support. The year ended with us leading a short term missions trip with college students to Italy over the summer. When we came back from the trip we found out we were pregnant. 
Navigating through the rough waters.

Year 4: Things changed in our ministry and we found ourselves being the team leaders of a campus. It was a nice thought, but the reality was that we were ill-equipped for this role. Our support continued to sink even lower, sometimes not getting any paychecks at all. As we were awaiting our arrival of our son, we started reconsidering if this is where God wanted us. Dylan pursued other possible jobs, but in the end they all fell through and we found ourselves having to leave the ministry and our church in Miami. Our son was born (with colic) in the midst of all this uncertainty. Dylan and I were exhausted with our life.
Rocky waters started to steer us off course.

Year 5: We moved to Orlando with Cru to spend a year healing and considering other possibilities within the ministry. Really the main motivation was that our rent was free, so that was one expense we didn't have to come up with. Our time in Orlando was sweet. We were reunited with most of our friends from college and we felt truly cared for by the leaders in Cru. Half-way through the year we were thinking that we were going to leave full-time ministry, get normal jobs, and move back to Miami. After doing some self-assessment tests, we began to doubt whether that was the direction we wanted to go and began praying about other options. That lead us to joining our friends in planting Salerno City Church. Believe me, that wasn't the easy option. We knew that it was going to require so much from us: get our current supporters to catch the vision and make the switch with us, raise the support we had lost over the years, figure out where to live in the mean time, break the news to our families, and (as we found out in the process) get ready for the birth of our daughter that was due in November. After our time in Orlando with Cru ended, we moved into Dylan's parents house for the summer so we could cut out some expenses while we raised support there.
The (somewhat) calm before the storm. 

First Half of Year 6: I just started my third trimester. Our plan was to move back to Miami so I could give birth with the same doctors, Dylan could be mentored by our pastor, we could be close to my family, and so we could raise support. The move date kept being pushed back because we didn't have the money to commit, and my nesting instincts were really kicking in because I didn't have a home for my soon-to-be born baby girl. Five weeks from my due date, we scrounged enough money to make the move. Two days before we moved my father slipped and fell and tore his hamstring. This required surgery and he was pretty much confined to his recliner for the next couple of weeks. So, that meant that every Saturday we went up to spend time with them but once we were a week out from the due date we stayed close to home cause we didn't want to risk getting caught in Miami traffic. Our financial situation was in crisis and there was no way that we were going to meet all of our needs. 5 days away from giving birth I lost it. We were broke, about to have another baby, in the middle of a huge career transition and I saw no way out. Then a couple days later, after 40 hours of labor, Felicity decided to join us. We were not home from the hospital all but 16 hours when my father passed six months ago today.
Storm came. Boat capsized. 


...and that was only the "Before"

The Sweetness of the Resurrection

This past week has had me thinking a lot about my dad. As a music pastor, Easter was always a big day for him. There were musicals, plays, concerts, outreaches, baptisms, and multiple services. Amidst the ping of sadness of celebrating this first Easter without him, God (in his graciousness) has revealed the joy that I can find in this day.

^"16For if the dead are not raised, not even Christ has been raised; ¹⁷and if Christ has not been raised your faith is worthless; you are still in your sins. ¹⁸Then those also who have fallen asleep in Christ have perished...²⁰But now Christ has been raised from the dead, the first fruits of those who are asleep." 1 Corinthians 15:16-18;20

^"13 Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. ¹⁴ For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. ¹⁵ According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. ¹⁶ For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. ¹⁷ After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. ¹⁸ Therefore encourage one another with these words." 1 Thess 4:13-18

"Multitudes who sleep in the dust of the earth will awake….[They]… will shine like the brightness of the heavens, and those who lead many to righteousness, like the stars for ever and ever." Daniel 12:2-3

"Resurrection means the restoration to us of the life we lost. New heavens and new earth means this body, this world! Our bodies, our homes, our loved ones—restored, returned, perfected and beautified! Given back to us!" -Tim Keller

Thank you Lord for dying for my sins and bearing the wrath of God on the Cross. Thank you for your resurrection and gift of eternal life. Thank you for my faith and the faith of my father, that I can look with eager expectation for your coming again, because we will be together again.

^"55 O DEATH, WHERE IS YOUR VICTORY? O DEATH, WHERE IS YOUR STING?” ⁵⁶ The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law; ⁵⁷ but thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." 1 Corinthians 15:55-57

This is the sweetness of the resurrection.

A Week with Martha

Over the past year I have been subscribed to Martha Stewart's Everyday Food magazine. I have loved it because it's small, fits in your bag, and is full of recipes. Last week I was determined to make dinner at home (something I haven't really done since Felicity was born). So I looked through all my issues and picked out the best weekly menu. This is the best part of the magazine. They pick 5 meals and create a shopping list that you can just rip out and take to the store. No thinking involved. And this is what I needed. I don't have the energy to sit down and come up with a menu for the week. So I chose the meal list from the November 2011 issue and here's how it went.
(Links to the recipes on Martha Stewart's site)


MONDAY
Steak Pizza with Peppers and Onions

This was soooo good. It was the most filling and hearty pizza I've ever made at home. An easy short cut I do when making pizza is just buying the pizza dough from the Publix Deli. I get no satisfaction in making dough, so I don't even waste my time with it. The recipe says that it serves 4 and it really does. My only critique is that I would serve this with some mixed greens.

TUESDAY
Pork Tenderloin with Roasted Fall Vegetables
Yay for vegetables!! There aren't many vegetable recipes that I like, but this one was easy and tasty. I don't think I've had brussels sprouts since I was like twelve and my uncle wouldn't let me leave the dinner table until I finished eating all of them. Needless to say, that did not make me a fan. But now I am. I've also never had parsnips before, but they were pretty good. Dylan did not agree so next time I will just substitute carrots. I think what this dish was missing was somekind of grain. The meal went right through us and we were hungry an hour later. What I LOVED was how the recipe helped plan ahead for Friday's meal (you saved a portion of the tenderloin to be used later).

WEDNESDAY
Greek-style Chicken with Pickled Onions, Tomatoes, and Tzatziki
Flavor-fest in my mouth! I actually just made this meal tonight because we went out that night. It was delicious. This is one of the few meals where it actually took as long to make as the recipe said it would (normally I find that they take longer). Everything was easy. Instead of parsley, I used dill because I like dill in my tzatziki. Since Dylan hates white rice, I made pearl couscous. Will definitely be making this again.

THURSDAY
Mushroom and Lentil Soup
First off, this meal went wrong for us by not naming a meat protein in the title. And when you are making dinner for a man, I've learned, there needs to be meat. Lentils have a lot of protein in them but you either love 'em or hate 'em. I think Dylan hates them.

FRIDAY
Lo Mein with Pork

Again, I loved that the pork for this meal was already made early in the week. That saved so much time. I might have made too many noodles cause it was very "noodley". I feel like it could use more vegetables but I'm not sure what. Will make this again.

Dreaming of You

I am a pretty frequent dreamer. When I was younger, I used to write down all my dreams in a journal because I didn't want to forget them. They seemed so vivid and real. As I've gotten older they still are that way, just now a mix of good and bad dreams.

Since my father's passing, I have dreamt about him a lot. Each dream has been different. Sometimes it's a continuation of life, sometimes it's in the past, and sometimes it's this alternate reality where I know he already passed but somehow he's still here. Last night was one of the latter.

It was sometime within this first year of his passing and he came back. We all knew that he was gone and were really confused with his presence. He told us that once a year he would come back and be with us for a day but then he would be gone again. So we made the most of the day, filling him in on what had been happening since he left. When the day came to an end, I went and gathered my brothers and mother so they could say goodbye. His body started to fade like a ghost and I remember feeling so sad that he had to leave, begging him to stay. Then he was gone. The next day I sat down with my mom and her friend reminiscing about the day and they had no idea what I was talking about. They assured me that I had dreamt it all. I tried recounting the day with stories and pictures, but they kept saying "no". With every "no" I sobbed harder and harder as I continued to convince them that it happened. I couldn't have made all this up. He was really here. But apparently he wasn't.

Then I really woke up. This isn't the first inception dream I've had (a dream within a dream), but this definitely was the most emotional. While I was dreaming I felt both the joy and pain of realizing that it was real. I've had mixed emotions about dreaming of my dad. On one hand it is nice to have a place where we both exist together, but on the other hand it sucks to wake up and realize that it's not in this life. There's joy in seeing his face but pain knowing that it's not real.

Until we meet again...

Maple Oatmeal Dump Cookies

* Edited 1/30/12: I made these cookies again and modified it a bit. All the modifications are in RED. They came out more moist and crumbly then the first batch. So the choice is up to you.

I totally just made up that name for these cookies and it doesn't sound too appealing. Well you know that cake, "Dump Cake", where you just toss whatever canned fruits you have in it? Well this is kind of the same idea. I was trying to come up with a healthy treat for Dylan and I and mashed up a couple of recipes to get this. I think they were pretty good for my first time making oatmeal cookies and I had to restrain myself from adding chocolate chips because I usually add chocolate chips into everything I bake. I'm sure I will make some adjustments over time to make them a little healthier like adding grated zucchini or flax seed or protein powder. This go around I just used whatever I had. Hope you try it.

Maple Oatmeal "Dump" Cookies
Yields: 24 cookies

1/2 cup butter, softened (1 stick)
1/2 cup packed brown sugar
1 egg
1/2 cup real maple syrup
1/2 tsp vanilla extract
1 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp salt
1/2 tsp ground cinnamon (pumpkin pie spice)
1 3/4 cup all-purpose flour (1 cup all-purpose flour, 3/4 cup of whole wheat flour)
2 cups old fashioned rolled oats
*1-2 cups of treats
1 cup dried cranberries
1 cup grated carrots
1 cup grated zucchini
1/2 cup sliced almonds
1/2 cup ground flax seed
1/2 cup crushed pistachios


1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
2. Beat butter and brown sugar until creamy. Add egg, vanilla, and syrup until well blended.
3. Sift flour, baking soda, salt cinnamon. Gradually add flour mixture until completely blended.
4. Stir in rolled oats and whatever treats you have. I had a bag of trail mix laying around that included dried cranberries, golden raisins, almonds and sunflower seeds.
5. Make cookies and bake for 8-10 minutes.