Encouragement for the Failing Parent

Nothing makes you feel like a failure more than parenting. Especially when you are a new parent. You're never sure if you are doing things "right" and are constantly second-guessing your methods. Unfortunately for us, we felt like failures from the very beginning. Liam had colic and acid reflux for the first four months and didn't sleep through the night until he was nine months old. This was not because of a lack of resources or effort, that's just who he was. I remember crying all the time (both of us), reading books and blogs, trying to figure out what I needed to do differently, but nothing worked. Luckily, I was blessed with a very wise husband who told me I had to put away the books because they were causing more stress than help in my life. And he was right. These books and blogs created expectations about how a baby should act if you do A, B, and C, so I was really discouraged when I tried everything and it still wasn't producing the results I wanted.

I remember when Liam was teething and still not sleeping through the night, he had one fluke night and slept for like 9 hours. I attributed this to the medicine that I gave him and was convinced that this was the magic potion to get him to sleep through the night. In efforts to recreate this, I would give him the same cocktail every night. It didn't always work, but I was sure that it was helping. One night, before Dylan and I headed out the door for a date night, I realized that I forgot to give him teething medicine and started freaking out, "Oh man, he's for sure gonna wake up tonight!" I was so distraught that Dylan (the wise one) suggested we pray about as we were out on our date. I realized that I was putting all my hope in a little tube of teething gel (and my own discipline in applying it) rather than the God of the universe who is in control of everything. And you know what happened that night? Liam slept through the night. And the next night. And the next.

It didn't last forever but I was okay with that. Just experiencing the grace of God in an area that was so stressful was enough for me. It was his way of telling me to let go and and give him control. I relied way too much on my own intellect, logic, and parenting resources and not enough on the ultimate resource. I wish I could say I learned my lesson then, but that would have been too easy :)

So now I am in the throws of disciplining a three year old. For some reason I thought this would be easier but boy is it hard work. Every attempt at discipline fails. Time outs, spankings, quiet times, rewards, reasoning, etc., nothing works. The phrase we say over and over in our house is, "Please just listen and obey!" The most frustration comes with nap time and bed time. Liam will just not stay put no matter what we do and some nights it would take us over an hour to put him to sleep. Those are the times when I want to punch a hole in the wall and go on a long vacation by myself.

One day during what was supposed to be nap time, I felt completely discouraged and angry. I left the room and started reading my bible because I was fuming on the inside. God must have known because my mother happened to come by earlier than expected and was able to play with the kids so I could have some down time. This is when I was confronted once again with my control issues. I was upset because I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong and why Liam wasn't responding the way he was "supposed" to.

Over the last couple of weeks I've been collecting verses to encourage me during those times when I feel like I'm failing. Hopefully they will bring hope to you as well.

Instead of focusing on everything your child does wrong, 

think of the things you love about them and the blessing they are. 

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." 

Philippians 4:8

Don't take your frustrations out on them, 

but be consistent in godly discipline because it is for their good.  

"Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord."  

Ephesians 6:4 

"Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him." Proverbs 13:24

When you don't know what to do, ask God for help.  

"And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19 

"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words." 

 Romans 8:26

 "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him."  

James 1:5

Put on love, and remind yourself over and over and over that you love them.

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant." 

1 Corinthians 13:4

"And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony." Colossians 3:14

Go to God for rest, not the TV, food, Facebook, etc. He is the one who provides true rest. 

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” 
Matthew 11:28-30

You are called to love God and others, not raise perfect children.

"And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.” 
Mark 12:30-31

We are not our children's savior. 

"I, I am the Lord, and besides me there is no savior." 
Isaiah 43:11

Your reward for godly discipline isn't obedient children, but an eternal inheritance. 

"Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ." 
Colossians 3:23-24

Pray for patience; impatience leads to exhaustion, but he is the source of strength. 

"Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary, his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."  
Isaiah 40:28-31

Be diligent to teach them to love God, not just to obey rules.

 "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates." 
Deuteronomy 6:5-9

Because of Christ, we have freedom to fail and still be acceptable to God. 

"Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.  Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." 

Hebrews 4:14-16

Everyday is a new day, Hallelujah!

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning" 

Lamentations 3:22-23

As God is with us, be slow to anger and quick to love. 

"The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He will not always chide, nor will he keep his anger forever. He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust." 

Psalm 103:8-14

How do you deal with discouragement as a parent? How has it shaped you?