Encouragement for the Failing Parent

Nothing makes you feel like a failure more than parenting. Especially when you are a new parent. You're never sure if you are doing things "right" and are constantly second-guessing your methods. Unfortunately for us, we felt like failures from the very beginning. Liam had colic and acid reflux for the first four months and didn't sleep through the night until he was nine months old. This was not because of a lack of resources or effort, that's just who he was. I remember crying all the time (both of us), reading books and blogs, trying to figure out what I needed to do differently, but nothing worked. Luckily, I was blessed with a very wise husband who told me I had to put away the books because they were causing more stress than help in my life. And he was right. These books and blogs created expectations about how a baby should act if you do A, B, and C, so I was really discouraged when I tried everything and it still wasn't producing the results I wanted.

I remember when Liam was teething and still not sleeping through the night, he had one fluke night and slept for like 9 hours. I attributed this to the medicine that I gave him and was convinced that this was the magic potion to get him to sleep through the night. In efforts to recreate this, I would give him the same cocktail every night. It didn't always work, but I was sure that it was helping. One night, before Dylan and I headed out the door for a date night, I realized that I forgot to give him teething medicine and started freaking out, "Oh man, he's for sure gonna wake up tonight!" I was so distraught that Dylan (the wise one) suggested we pray about as we were out on our date. I realized that I was putting all my hope in a little tube of teething gel (and my own discipline in applying it) rather than the God of the universe who is in control of everything. And you know what happened that night? Liam slept through the night. And the next night. And the next.

It didn't last forever but I was okay with that. Just experiencing the grace of God in an area that was so stressful was enough for me. It was his way of telling me to let go and and give him control. I relied way too much on my own intellect, logic, and parenting resources and not enough on the ultimate resource. I wish I could say I learned my lesson then, but that would have been too easy :)

So now I am in the throws of disciplining a three year old. For some reason I thought this would be easier but boy is it hard work. Every attempt at discipline fails. Time outs, spankings, quiet times, rewards, reasoning, etc., nothing works. The phrase we say over and over in our house is, "Please just listen and obey!" The most frustration comes with nap time and bed time. Liam will just not stay put no matter what we do and some nights it would take us over an hour to put him to sleep. Those are the times when I want to punch a hole in the wall and go on a long vacation by myself.

One day during what was supposed to be nap time, I felt completely discouraged and angry. I left the room and started reading my bible because I was fuming on the inside. God must have known because my mother happened to come by earlier than expected and was able to play with the kids so I could have some down time. This is when I was confronted once again with my control issues. I was upset because I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong and why Liam wasn't responding the way he was "supposed" to.

Over the last couple of weeks I've been collecting verses to encourage me during those times when I feel like I'm failing. Hopefully they will bring hope to you as well.

Good, but not Great

I was thinking today about how awkward it is when people ask how things are going or how we are doing. "Good", "Okay", or "Alright" are my normal go-tos and that changes hour by hour. But I wondered if I would ever again answer that things are "Great".

Life after loss is like a dark cloud over your head. It's like my new neutral state is sad. And it's not that there isn't any happiness left in life. There will be moments of joy; when I laugh, smile, enjoy a movie, spend the day at the beach, go on a date, play with my kids, etc. But when the dust settles, it's back to sadness.

I'm not saying that this is a good thing, it's just how it is right now. When things stop moving, the loss is what my mind goes to. Even moments of happiness are quickly dimmed when I think about my father not being there to share in the moment. I wonder if it will always feel this way. If I will always feel this overarching gloom about life.


Oh, that I would find joy in the hope of my salvation and not in my circumstances.