Just a day of Eating Turkey

I found it very hard to say that I'm thankful for anything today. Of course I have things to be thankful for but there is an overpowering sense of loss that keeps me from being happy about anything. A year ago today was the last time my family was all together. Tessa and I had the brilliant idea of hosing our first Thanksgiving and we made everything from scratch. It was great and everything turned out delicious. If I had known then that it would be our last, I would have cherished every moment. It's just crazy to think that every passing day is another day further away from us being together.

Today I found myself grieving the loss of my children's grandfather. It all started this morning with a stupid retirement commercial that showed a man just playing with his grandkids and being so happy about spending time with them. My dad would have been a great grandfather and I'm so sad that my kids will never know him. He loved Liam and couldn't wait for him to be at an age where he could really play with him. It just sucks that our kids will have no memories with him and will only know him through stories or pictures.

Dad I wish you could see how crazy and rambunctious Liam is and how beautifully ethnic Felicity is. I can't believe you're not here and that they won't know you.

Yet I Will Praise

This song has been one that I have loved for about a decade now. It was one that I learned to play and even played it at church once in High School. Ironically, it resurfaced in my life and I have been wanting to sing it again. At the time I was concerned that I had no life experience to make this song authentic. Boy do I have it now. Unfortunately I can't really say the words reflect what is in my heart right now, but in time I hope they do. I can praise God for my father's life and all that He did through him, but I'm not able to praise Him for his death because I can't see the good that has come from it. At least not yet.

(Ignore the cheesy video, just listen to the song and read the words)


Yet I Will Praise - Vineyard

I will praise You Lord my God
Even in my brokenness
I will praise You Lord
I will praise You Lord my God
Even in my desperation
I will praise You Lord

And I can't understand
All that You allow
I just can't see the reason
But my life is in Your hands
And though I cannot see You
I choose to trust You

Even when my heart is torn I will praise You Lord
Even when I feel deserted I will praise You Lord
Even in my darkest valley I will praise You Lord
And when my world is shattered and it seems all hope is gone
Yet I will praise You Lord

I will trust You Lord my God
Even in my loneliness
I will trust You Lord
I will trust You Lord my God
Even when I cannot hear You
I will trust You Lord

And I will not forget
That You hung on a cross
Lord You bled and died for me
And if I have to suffer
I know that You've been there
And I know that You're here now

Even when my heart is torn I will trust You Lord
Even when I feel deserted I will trust You Lord
Even in my darkest valley I will trust You Lord
And when my world is shattered and it seems all hope is gone
Yet I will praise You Lord

Not According to Plan

This isn't the post I thought I would be writing following my daughter's birth (I will write her birth story later). Two weeks ago, after nearly 40 hours of labor, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl naturally. And I thought that that was the big obstacle God was calling me to overcome. Little did I know there was more in store. I was discharged from the hospital around noon on Friday and Saturday morning I was awoken to the worst news of my life. My father had suddenly died. I was stunned, shocked, and heartbroken. So with my 3 day old baby in my hands I began my journey of grief.

There is so much to say about what has happened over the last two weeks, so many different emotions. I still don't know how to balance the joy I feel over having this beautiful little girl with the sorrow I feel knowing that I won't have any new memories of my father.

I hate:
- That my mother is widow and will have to live the next 20-30 years without my dad
- That my father was hours away from meeting my daughter (they were supposed to visit that Saturday)
- That this happened before the holidays
- That Liam won't remember who he is
- That Felicity will always be a visual reminder for how long he's been gone
- That we don't have any family here so Dylan and I are taking on a lot more responsibility than we have energy for
- that this all happened because he slipped on a rainy day

I don't know what God's big plan is and I don't really see how any of this is supposed to be better for me. How is the death of my father supposed to be better? So far it has just caused an overwhelming sense of responsibility to make sure my mom is taken care of and that my brother Evan gets his life together. The statement that keeps playing over in my head is, If God is sovereign over my dad's death then He is sovereign over my (or insert name's) life. The faith that it takes for me to believe he was in control of what happened to my dad is the same faith that it takes for me to believe he's in control of what happens next. Right now my faith isn't strong. I don't know how we're gonna make it. I just want to close my eyes and fast forward to the time when life is enjoyable again.