All my mental energy has been focused on Halloween costumes and getting ready for Felicity's first birthday. Which has been both good and bad. I have had something to look forward to, but haven't made the time to grieve. I feel like it just snuck up on me and all of a sudden it's here. After Felicity's birthday there is only one more "first" to walk through. The end of the first year without my dad. This makes it so real to me. That THIS is going to be the new normal. It's so heartbreaking for life to go on without him and that soon it will be normal for him not to be here. I don't even want to know what that feels like.
What I recently learned is this: God used the birth of my daughter to prepare me for what was to come. My labor with Felicity was long and the most physical pain I have ever felt. It literally felt like torture. My body was torturing me and there was nothing I could do about it. A couple days before the birth, I wrote in my journal that I was stressed about our finances and didn't think that I was going to be able to do this birth because I had reached the end of my rope. I felt defeated. But when the time came, God gave me the strength and the support from others to endure the pain and in the end a beautiful girl was born. I learned then that great pain can lead to great joy. Little did I know that the real test of my faith was going to be three days later. By His strength and the support of others, I have been able to walk through this pain and see that in the end, it will be beautiful. It's not now, but one day it will be.
Felicity was God's gracious reminder that pain can lead to joy. The pain of my father's death was, and is, still great, but because of God's grace, I can now joyfully and eagerly anticipate the redemption of all that is broken, and eternity spent with Him.
